Six.

That smile and that sparkle in your eye has been blessing us for six years now! So hard for me to believe you're growing up, baby boy. Where is the time going? Thank you for being you, Cubba. Life would not be the same without your gentleness. Happiest of birthdays to you, big boy!

Most wonderful time of the year.

My tendency is to dwell on the negative in life, but honestly, I have a great life. Things are not always peaches and cream of course, but I feel like as I'm getting older, I'm learning how to embrace both the bad and the good. I hope that somewhere deep within myself I am becoming more content and satisfied with the life I've been given.

We decorated a little bit earlier than normal this year. Partly because we're going away shortly after Christmas, partly because the "kids" couldn't wait any longer, and partly because we just felt like it. If you look closely, you'll notice a few gifts under the tree already. That is my husband's doing. They're for me. He said since I put the tree up so early, I have to now sit and look at three wrapped gifts all month long. He knows I can't wait for Christmas and that my hands are itching to dig in and unwrap. He is so mean. :)

Also, to the right of tree, on the table, you can see our little Advent House. Each little door has a number, all the way to twenty-five. I put a little treat in the right door each day for the kids and it thrills them to no end. I love making little traditions for them to enjoy, knowing that they'll always remember it when they're older. 

I love Christmas.

Learning all the time.

I was able to get my hands on a copy of How to Really Love Your Angry Child and just finished reading it today. Such a great read! I highly recommend it. I feel very jaded about most parenting books these days, and generally try not to read them anymore as I find them more discouraging than anything else. This one however, was an exception and I'm so glad I took the time to read it!

Basically, the author gives kids the permission to 'vent' their anger, and it is the parents' responsibility to learn to not in turn react in anger, intensifying the situation, and teaching nothing to the child in the process. The point is to use their angry moments to teach them how to handle their anger, not to get into a yelling argument with them, which only makes the whole thing worse. This is huge for me. It's something I always knew, yet never really quite realized how easily I could perpetuate my kids' anger. The author dedicated a whole chapter to the parent called, "Starting with the face in the mirror." So true. If I cannot learn to manage my own anger, then how in the world am I to teach my kids anything different? Responding to them with love and patience is absolutely key in handling explosive situations.

Another thing the author really stressed was to make sure your kids' "love tanks" are constantly being filled. In general, children are less likely to act out if they feel loved. This is a big generality, because of course even the most loved child is going to misbehave, but I figure it doesn't hurt to love on my kids a lot more than I have been known to do. It's just so easy to get stuck in my day and wish for bedtime to roll around instead of enjoying the little moments of spending time with them.

I've already put Calm Laura into practice and it really helps. It doesn't mean that there aren't tantrums being thrown, it just means that I am trying harder to keep myself from throwing a fit at the same time. I can stress enough how much it helps us resolve the issue at hand so much easier and so much more gracefully. Again, this is all stuff that I've always known I should be doing (keeping calm, not reacting in anger) but it really helps to be reminded of it every now and again. It's too easy to get stuck in a rut and start spiraling out of control.

Even if you don't have a child that you would classify as 'angry' this book is still very helpful and thought-provoking!

Unglued again.

I recently finished reading the book Unglued, by Lysa TerKeurst and found it immensely helpful. Lysa is one of those people who will tell you that she's failed but will also offer insight into how she's gaining victory in her walk with the Lord.

In one section of book, she talks about kid-placemats, the kind you get in restaurants that come with crayons to keep kids busy while they wait for their food. She said her girls used to colour on each other's placemat and end up arguing about who was drawing on whose. Lysa would get so annoyed with them because she had the adult perspective of realizing how little these placemats actually meant in the grand scheme of life, and they'd end up in the garbage before the evening was over anyway. It made her realize how little perspective she has in her own life, compared to God and the view He has. The time she wastes and the ruckus she causes when someone "bumps into her happy" (as she likes to call it) is so small compared with a lot of the problems that most people are having to face in this sad, broken world.

Lysa goes on to talk about how she visited a center in Los Angeles that was a Christian outreach to the homeless, and all the down-trodden who would fall under that category. What she saw there astonished and changed her. Here is a little excerpt:

"I saw God's identity-changing power woven into the fabric of so many lives at the Dream Center.... 

God's identity-changing power is what transformed the gang member with eight bullet holes into a Jesus-loving servant. So gentle. 

It's what changed the prostitute into a counselor for other girls rescued from life on the streets. So pure. 

It's what changed the drug-addict into a loving father, teaching his son how to be a godly leader. So integrity-filled. 

What in heavens was holding me back? 

Seriously. 

What prevented me from realizing that God's power could change me too? 

So, I asked Pastor Matthew [the director of the center], "Aren't you afraid sometimes? Aren't you afraid to rely on God's power? You run a facility where you have to raise a half-million dollars a month - a month! Do you walk around with the weight of that on you all the time?"

His answer cracked my heart wide open.

"No," he said. "When you experience God the way I've been experiencing God for seventeen years, you stop being afraid. I've seen too many miracles."

Oh! Tears.... That. Is. It.

I've stopped positioning my life for miracles. 

In relation to my unglued struggles, somewhere along the line I stopped expecting God to work miraculously in me. And I realized that this was yet another benefit of intentionally pursuing perspective-magnifying opportunities. For it's in such situations, when God's power is evident, that I start to believe I can experience that power in my own life. Maybe, just maybe, I can change too."

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who struggles to keep her cool on a daily basis! It was a simple read, but very insightful.

Journeying.

So I'm starting to think God has a pretty good sense of humour - He must, otherwise how do I explain me saying my child is good 90% of the time, only to have it reverse and it's more like 0.0009% of the time?? Or maybe He's just doing His best to keep me humble... Isn't there a verse somewhere that goes, "He who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall"? Well, that's me right there.

Seriously, the last few weeks have utterly drained me. I don't know where I got the idea that at some point it was supposed to get better, but surely someone must have said that to me at some point, right? Otherwise it wouldn't be stuck in my head like a taunting refrain. You're such a failure that your kids aren't any better now than they were years ago. 

Used up. Spent. Broken. That is me right now. I have come to the conclusion that I can't do it. And although I know I sound like a broken record, it's true: I can't do it. I have never felt my human frailty more than in this process of being a mom. I have been pushed to my very limits and I have nothing left to give.

If I was kind, and never yelled. If I never said the wrong thing or said things I regret. If I could only be a better person, a better mom. If only I could love them unconditionally, all the time. I just want to be the perfect mom for them, and I can't.

Heavenly Father, this sandpaper that you're using to refine me really hurts sometimes. The shaping and molding you are doing to make me more like You is really, really hard. 

It's been said that marriage wasn't created for our happiness, but for our holiness. I'm beginning to believe that kids are for the same purpose. At the end of a lot of my days, I just sit in my big, comfy chair and I cry. In many ways, I feel less overwhelmed as a mom; we've found a groove and it works. But still I feel so small. I feel so helpless and weak and unable. It's like the more the years pass, the more I feel the extreme weight of my responsibility, and the heavier it gets, the more fragile I feel.

This. This is why He says, "Come to Me all you who labour and are heavy-laden and I will give you rest."

You have kept count of my tossings; 

put my tears in your bottle.

Are they not in your book?

This I know, that God is for me.

Psalm 56:8, 9b

Sometimes parenting books aren't ALL bad...

Recently I perused a book called The Five Love Languages of Children, and although I have pretty much sworn off parenting books in general, I found some helpful little tidbits in this one. In fact, I've ordered their other book, How to Really Love Your Angry Child, from the library and I'm really looking forward to reading it.

I just have to say that I really love being a mom. I can't say I love everything about it, but as an overall statement, I can say that yes, I do love my job. One of the things that I've found the very hardest about it though, is dealing with my angry child. Nothing is quite as draining as a child who throws fits and gets angry in a really unpredictable way. I don't want to single my boy out, but I do want to be honest and real, and so I must say that I do have an angry child. Maturity on his part and tireless teaching on Lucas and I's part has leveled it out a lot more and I believe it is getting better as time goes on. But we do still have our moments.

See, the thing is, is that when my other kids misbehave it is a simple matter of putting them in time-out and it's generally over within fifteen minutes. But with an angry child, an episode can last anywhere from five minutes to an hour or longer, depending on how stubborn he feels like being that day. Over the years though, it manifests itself more in back-talking, sarcasm and rudeness than it does in a lay-down-and-kick-and-scream kind of way. The things I hear from that child would probably curdle another woman's soul, but mine has developed quite a thick skin.

Anyway, to get to my point, there was just a little blurb in this book about angry kids and how it's really important to let them yell and verbalize their anger and then talk to them about how to better handle it when something goes wrong. See, my first instinct is to automatically get on his case about how he's speaking to me but that only adds fuel to his fire. I found this little bit of advice extremely helpful in that it's okay for him to get his anger out, and it's better if he verbalizes it rather than hitting someone, or letting it out passive-aggressively (ie, lying, stealing, etc.). I think I always vaguely knew this, and I often tell him not to hurt others in his anger, that it's okay to be angry, but that he can't hit or hurt. But I always take it a step further and say that he also can't hurt with his words. This is true of course, but most of what he's saying is just stating his case rather than belittling anyone. And if it does go the belittling route, the time to talk to him about it is not while it's happening, but later when he and I have both calmed down.

The authors of the book also said, if a child is respectful 90% of the time, then in general he is a respectful child and these outbursts of anger can be dealt with after he's verbalized it and gotten it out of his system. (If they are disrespectful and rude the majority of the time though, that is another whole can of worms.) My boy, though, as a whole, is a kind, compassionate boy who really feels for others and generally he does respect my word and tries to obey most of the time. There are just certain times where he cannot handle how a situation is going and I do believe there are things that really set him off, tiredness being one of his biggest triggers.

I really love my boy, just the way he is. If the truth be told, I like that he gets all his anger out; in my opinion, if it's an obvious sin it's much easier to deal with than if he was just bottling it all up and acting out in other more subtle ways.

I hope this bit of advice is able to help someone else as it did me...

He knows.

He knows it's scary to be us. Yes, he does. 

He does not take lightly that some of us were raised in a veritable madhouse. He does not take lightly that some of us have been... abused or simply abandoned... He does not take lightly that some of us are still trying to recover from that midnight phone call. He does not take lightly that some of us were born with legs that don't work. Or eyes that can't see. Or ears that can't hear. He does not take lightly that some of us have endured the cancer treatment of our very own children. He does not take lightly that some of us... have buried our own children. 

He knows it's scary to be us...

The thunder crashes in the heavens, and the earth grows dark in the middle of the afternoon, and a man, beaten to a bloody pulp, cries from a cross between two thieves, "It is finished!" Because He did, one day God will wipe away every tear from the eyes of those who trusted Him, and there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things will pass away and all our hardship will be finished.

- Beth Moore in her book "So Long, Insecurity"

Hope for the Weary Mom.

Okay, so I've recommended books before and I've pointed out really great blogs and blog posts, but my friends, you have got to read this new book I just finished reading!! It is definitely a book for moms, so if you're not a mom, it's probably not the book for you. And if you're a weary, downtrodden, discouraged mom, it is absolutely the book you want to read! Right now it is only an e-book, which you can download for only $4.99, but I believe they're going to put out a paperback version soon, which I am going to buy as soon as I can! I read the e-book, but there is something to be said for holding a book in your hands. I'm not entirely sold on the whole electronic book thing yet. Maybe I will get there someday, but right now I kind of doubt it. Aaaaaaaaand, I just went to amazon to get you the link, and realized the paperback version is available so why did I read the e-book at all?? How annoying!

ANYWAY. The book. It was written by two weary moms and it is literally the two of them pouring their hearts out in a way that makes you feel like you're sitting with them, sobbing into your coffee together. I have not read a book to date that made me feel so completely understood and validated as a mom. This is not a how-to-parent book. It is not a book on how to pamper yourself or how to make more time for mommy. It is simply two women shining the light of understanding on the feeble, weary hearts of mothers. I literally bawled my way through each chapter, and read the whole thing in one sitting. My heart kept saying, "YES!" over and over and never has something resonated so deeply with me. I am not one to read a book more than once, but I know this will be read and re-read. If you are a mom and you feel at all weary, you need to read this book.

The authors don't tell you what you can do to be a better mom, (although there is one small part in which they offer suggestions for relaxation) but instead they point the reader to the only One who can give hope. They gently remind you that it is in the very brokenness and "I can't-ness" that God meets us and lifts us up. They state very firmly that we, as moms, cannot change our children, and our hope does not lie in the perfect parenting formula, but in God Himself. He is the only one who can change the hearts of our children. The trying, exhausting times we face is how He chooses to change us.

Beautiful, beautiful book. Read it now.

Boys will be boys.

I found the best website today, called The MOB Society, or, The Mom-of-Boys Society. I love it. I've already learned so much from it! So I thought I'd share it, for any moms who have boys, or who will have boys in the future.

I feel like mothers who have boys really have a special calling. It is so, so different with my sons than it is with my daughter. With my girl, I just get her. I understand how she plays and how she thinks and I just feel like I have really good instincts with knowing how to raise her because I'm a girl too. With my boys though, I feel really out of my depth sometimes. They are so different from me and knowing how little I've been able to read Lucas' mind these last eleven years (ha!), it kind of terrifies me a little bit as they get older, with puberty on the horizon. I think as a mom I can really strongly influence how my sons are going to be as men, but I also think it's important to let them be boys, and to find a way to understand that the way they're acting isn't necessarily bad, it's just that they're being boys. There have been so many times when I literally stand there, mouth gaping at their antics and Lucas with either a) be laughing or b) be saying something like, "Relax, they're boys!" Speaking of which, he's got a lot more of an instinct with how to raise them, simply because he gets them. So I think another thing as a mom of boys is that it's important to really listen to what my husband is saying to me about them. Chances are, he's probably right. Which is sometimes galling, but that's a story for another time. :)

I'm just trying so hard to be a good mom to my boys. Although I feel like I fail every single day moment, I can only keep trying, so having a resource like this to glean from is priceless. I just love hearing that I'm not alone. That other moms have boys whom they don't understand but whom they love so much it hurts. That it's okay to feel out of my element and to keep plugging away at raising them.

Anyway, if you're one of the blessed MOB's like I am, you will find this website very helpful. I especially liked these two articles:

http://www.themobsociety.com/2012/10/three-ways-a-mother-can-negatively-impact-her-boys/

http://www.themobsociety.com/2012/10/10-things-ive-learned-since-becoming-a-boy-mom/

The second one is more light-hearted and had me giggling. Enjoy!

If I knew then...

Most of the time, I am looking back at all I've done wrong in life and wishing I could have done it better. And because I sometimes feel that the things I've done/not done have adversely affected my kids, I feel justified in regretting the past. I often think if only I had/hadn't done this or that... and then I start worrying that maybe mistakes I've made are going to send my kids straight to therapy when they're older... and then I feel guilty... and then I it's like I'm spiraling into despair. I'm sorry if that sounds overly dramatic, but it is what it is. The thing is, regrets get me no where. They are so completely unhelpful since for one, I can't go back and undo the past (but wouldn't that be nice??) and for another, if my heart is heavy remembering yesterday, then I am in no way enjoying today. And today is all I have. I do have a point...

Sometimes I wish that I knew then what I know now. But I didn't. So I've compiled a list that I wish I'd had way back when and maybe it will help someone who is just starting out. And really, since I only have today, it is not too late for me to take to heart what I've learned and try to apply it now. After all, if nothing else, hopefully my mistakes can teach me something.

What I've Learned in Seven Years of Mothering:

Find your groove and don't worry what others think.
This is a big one for me. Kids do not come with manuals, and although the Bible has quite a bit to say about parenting, it in no way prepares you for how to raise your kids. You can have an idea of what you want to do, but generally things never really work out the way you anticipate. After all, kids are human beings with (sometimes very large) personalities and strong wills and adapting to them is a lot of work. It's really about learning to go with the flow and find what works for your own family and then stick with it. Hand in hand with that piece of wisdom, is not worrying what others think. In the parenting world, there are a million and one ways to raise a child, but if you've found what works for your particular kids, you need to let go of the notion (sometimes based in fact) that not everyone is going to agree with you. Ignore their judgement. As long as you're not doing anything to warrant a visit from child services, it's nobody's business how you're raising your kids.


Your time is no longer your own.
This is it, people. Once you have that precious little newborn in your arms, there is no turning back. Reality kicks in and you realize that it is you, and you alone, who has to take care of that child. People can help, but the fact is, you are no longer looking after just yourself. And sometimes that baby's needs take precedence over your own. So yes, you really do have to have sleepless nights and no else is going to calm that screaming baby. The sooner you can face up to your new reality, the happier you'll be. And it doesn't end. Motherhood is an ongoing process of dying to yourself.

Pray. A lot.
I wish I had prayed more at the beginning of my career as a mom. Sad to say, I didn't pray nearly as much as I should have. There is not much to say about this really, but praying for your kids is probably the single most important thing you can ever do for them.

RELAX.
I tend towards uptightness and this often translates into being impatient with my kids more than I should. But they're kids and they're going to be silly and wild sometimes so just go with it. My uptightness also comes in the form of wanting to look good in front of others. I tend to be a lot more disappointed in my kids when others can see how horrifically they're behaving, which is ridiculous. They are what they are and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that their behaviour doesn't reflect badly on me. Well, I think there are people who do judge you when your kids act up, but I do believe that is their problem and not mine. Or that is what I try to tell myself anyway. Freaking when my kids misbehave in front of others is only going to make my kids think that they have to put up a front whenever they're in public anyway. And if there's one thing I cannot stand, it's fake people. If I can only teach my kids one thing in life, (besides the things of God) it's to be authentic.

Enjoy them because it goes by so fast.
People always said this to me and still do. It doesn't drive me as crazy anymore, partly because I am realizing how quickly they really do grow up. But I used to want to strangle them when they said it to me. I've heard that "the days are long but the years are short," and this is so true for motherhood, with a huge stress on the days are long part. Somehow when you're in the thick of changing diapers and breast-feeding and pulling kids out of harms way and refereeing their squabbles, enjoying them is very far down on your list of priorities. But it's true. Time does fly by and I wish to a certain degree I had taken the time to enjoy them just a little more than I did.

Don't sweat it.
It's such a cliche to say "don't sweat the small stuff," but it's so, so true. Dirty floors, or a pile of dishes in the sink really shouldn't take priority over snuggling with your baby or playing a game of Memory with your kids. Sometimes it can feel like your house is falling down around your ears, but try to let it go and focus on what's important. Take walks. Go to the park. Play a game. Read to them. And another thing, try not to freak if they do something silly and childish, like drawing on the walls or spilling a drink. In the grand scheme of life, drinks can be mopped up and walls can be repainted. So try not to yell. Try to pick your battles and focus on what's important. Discipline them for the things that matter to you and let the rest go.

Hug them lots and tell them you love them.
That is pretty straightforward stuff!

Well, in the middle of writing all this, I went up the stairs a few times and yelled at my kids because they weren't going to sleep as quickly as I'd like them to... so, with this list I am by no means saying that I've got it all figured out. I said at the beginning that I need to keep applying all the stuff I've learned over the years so that I don't continue to make the same mistakes over and over. I do very often though. I'm only human. But I like to believe that maybe, somewhere along the way, I've become just a wee bit more relaxed and happy as a mom. Don't ask my kids though... they might tell you something different. :)

Eleven years.

Right now Lucas is outside at a park with the kids, in the near rain, so I can have an hour to myself and try to get rid of the headache that is slowly crawling up my neck. And this, in a nutshell, is our whole relationship wrapped up into one neat little Saturday morning hour. 

Eleven years ago, we got married. Somehow Lucas has always been better at loving me 'for better or for worse' than I have been to him. He has always carried out his end of the deal, to love me as Christ loved the Church. No matter how ugly I get, literally and figuratively, he extends the hand of gentleness towards me.

I am so very blessed to be married to this man. 

Happy anniversary, Lucas!

Peace on earth.

I am not a big music-listener, but once in a while I hit upon a song that I just love and will listen to a million times over. Recently I discovered "I Heard the Bells On Christmas Day" by Casting Crowns. (Who says I've been listening to Christmas music in October? Ahem.) This group didn't actually write the song; it's actually an old classic that I never heard before. There is a story behind it, which you can read about here, and you should also scroll down that page and read the lyrics as they are beautiful.

The older I get, the more I realize just how broken our world is and the only thing that makes sense in this broken, confused world, is God Himself. I feel it so deeply in my soul: He is there and He cares. I think that's why this song resonates with me. Have a listen, and if  you're like me, you'll need a tissue.

Update: I had placed a Youtube video here, but it sounded grainy on my blog, so I think you should just go to this link and listen to it there.

Fun.

Impromptu trips are so much fun...

especially when they're to Prince Edward Island...

What a lovely, relaxing time we had!

I can't.

This morning I read the kids the story of Moses and the burning bush, when God calls him to a seemingly impossible task. Moses had a huge list of excuses as to why he was not good enough for the job God wanted him to do. He pretty much told God He was wrong and that someone else would be better suited to the job. His pleading and begging got him nowhere. For some reason, God wanted Moses, in all his weakness and bumbling, to rescue His people from Egypt.

This sounds a lot like me. I have, on many hard days, complained and cried and prayed, "Why me?" I am not good enough. Not creative enough. I'm not a "kid" person. I don't know how to play Playmobil. I don't know how to reach my kids' hearts. Please don't make me play hide-and-seek one more time. Someone would be a much better Mom to these kids than me. Why did He give me these particular kids when He knows I would have done much better with docile, demure, emotionless children. I just. can't. do it. 

But, maybe I'm not supposed to be able to do it on my own. Maybe God wants me to feel completely and utterly incapable. He probably wouldn't have been able to use Moses if Moses had confidently said, "Okay, sounds great, Lord. When do I start?" If Moses had been able to accomplish his role, he would never have experienced God working through him. I think the Lord best uses people who feel they can't do it.

This is something I've always known in theory, the idea that God only uses us in our weakness. But the reality of it playing out in my day-to-day life is only starting to dawn on me now. This feeling of utter helplessness in the face of the enormous responsibility before me, is exactly where God wants me. I can kick and scream all I want, but He is going to drag me there regardless and tell me, "Yes. You can. But only with My help."

You know what? If I did not feel this helpless and weary about parenting, I would never pray. Nothing gets me on my knees more than being a mom. And maybe that is the whole point.

Being faithful.

Wherever you are, be all there. Jim Elliot

You know how sometimes, when you're struggling, and it feels like everywhere you turn, God is trying to speak to you? That happened to me this week. It started on Sunday at meeting (more commonly known as church :) when the topic was about how we are going to one day judge ourselves with the Lord at His judgement seat. Whatever we've done for Him we'll be rewarded for, and all else will be burned away and forgotten. One of the biggest thoughts that I pulled away from this topic is that the Lord really values faithfulness. No matter how big or small our calling is or seems to be, if we do it all heartily for Him, then we will be blessed for it.

You see, I really struggle sometimes with really knowing who I am and what I am meant to do here. Yes, I am a wife and a mom and those are no small tasks, but sometimes it feels like I should be doing something else as well. You know, something important. It's easy to look around me and see what others are doing, what talents they have that they are able to bless others with and then look at my own life and realize I don't really have anything spectacular to offer anyone. Sometimes I wonder why some people are given such strong, obvious talents, when others (like me) have to scrounge a little harder to find out what their gift is. But I digress...

I've been going through a phase where it feels like I'm floundering. I feel bored, aimless, and to top it off, the kids' behaviour is so not what it should be that I wonder if I'm doing any good at all... But remember what I said about God trying to speak to you when you're low? Well, the last couple of days I've read blog posts from three separate individuals titled, "The Day I Almost Quit", "When Life is More Than You Can Handle", and "Choosing Here." Here is what I was reminded of: God has a special purpose for us, and yes, while some days can seem completely futile and overwhelming, it is because He wants us to run to Him for help and be in total dependence on Him. He wants us to give 100% of ourselves to whatever task He has given, however big or small.

This life that I'm living is my calling. These kids, this husband, our particular home, is where I am supposed to be. I fall so far short of what I could or should be doing that I allow it to get me down far too often. But I think I am way too hard on myself and the only thing God is really asking of me is to be faithful with the gifts He's given, however small I think they are.

To change or not to change.

One of the biggest life lessons that most people learn, or hopefully learn, by the time they are adults, is that you can't change anyone but yourself. This huge life lesson, wrapped up in one simple statement, carries a lot of weight and is one of those things that can be applied to any relationship in your life, however big or small. I've found it true in friendships, and it's especially true in marriage. It all comes down to not holding a grudge against anyone, and realizing that although the other person is carrying around a lot of "stuff," maybe my "stuff" is even bigger. Well, my stuff is the only stuff I can really deal with anyway, so why not work on that first? Kind of like pulling the plank out of my own eye before trying to work on the speck in someone else's... I believe Someone very important said that.

WELL... I had a revelation the other day and it's this: The simple adage "you can't change anyone but yourself" also works in the parent/child relationship. See, the thing is is that I think deep down inside of me I have the ability to change my kids. Maybe I just feel that as their mom - and that "mom" word encompasses the fact that I carried them around not so comfortably in my womb for nine months - I have the God-given right to make them into who I want them to be, to change the things that are wrong about them. Or more accurately, the things I think are wrong with them. Don't get me wrong, I know as their mom I have a huge influence on their lives. I am shaping who they will one day be and I know this. But shaping and influencing is a far cry from trying to change the heart of who they are.

I see things in my kids that I don't like, but very often (all the time) the very things I complain about in them, are the things that I struggle with the most in my own heart. Shouting in anger, sarcasm, selfishness to the nth degree. Yep, got those covered. When I see it in my kids, it's like I'm looking in a mirror and I do not like it one little bit. My instinct is to get it out of them, to show them where they're going wrong since I know all too well the place of darkness that it is coming from. I could say that I am concerned because I don't want them to have to carry the weight of these sins their whole life, but really I think it's just that I hate having my own faults become so glaringly obvious.

I wonder though if I took the time, with the Lord's help, to really change myself, if it wouldn't carry a lot more weight with them. Trying to change the way I behave, will most certainly have an impact - influence - on them. Instead of me trying to change them, why don't I teach them how to let the Lord change their hearts? Rather than being a nit-picking, nagging mother, why do I not just give them over to the Lord and let Him do the dirty work? After all, I have no power to change them, even as their mom.

I used to think I had that power, but thankfully the Lord is teaching me that He's a much better candidate for the job.

Keep your tongue from evil.

As I move through life, especially as one who has a hard time controlling her tongue, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that sometimes what you don't say is even more powerful than what you do say. A lot of times I worry that what I've said to my kids that day, or how I've yelled at them, will affect them so much that they'll spend their adult life in therapy or worse. In reality, I'm pretty sure (although not convinced) that they've forgotten it five minutes after it's happened. If what I'm saying is not even registering, then why am I even wasting the energy spewing anger out of my mouth? And if what I'm saying is registering, then I'd better learn pretty quickly to be quiet.

You see, when Jesus walked the earth, although He spoke a lot, and even had His moments of righteous anger chewing out the Pharisees, what stood out most was His quietness. If you really think about it, He of all people would have had the most to say, and with great cause too. "Peter, you know you're really high strung. Why do you bother? I'm the Lord. You can't do anything without Me because I created you. Judas, you know you're going to betray Me so why are you following me around like a sick dog and would you  just get out of My sight already? You know I could send a legion of angels to come and slay you, right? And oh, while I'm on the topic, why is everyone hanging off Me? Go away already. I'm tired." (Seriously could go on and on. I was having fun with that.) I'm not saying Jesus never showed them where they were going wrong because He surely did. But it was always with love and with a deep sense of knowing the person's heart. Any criticism He doled out was constructive. I think though, what Jesus didn't say stands out as equally as what He did say. Even to the death, He stayed silent.

I wish I could be more like that. Maybe my family wouldn't notice the things I don't say, or maybe it's so bad that the silence would be deafening. But either way, I would know, and more importantly, God would know. If I choose not to say anything in a moment where I really want to spew some venom around, surely that has to count for something. And if what I don't say bears weight, then the times I do have something to say will also carry more weight. My kids won't be like, "Oh there goes Mom, shooting off her mouth again. Tune her out, quick!" It'd be more like, "Oh, Mom is saying something? I'd better stop and listen." I know, I know, in a dream world, right?

But the point is, I'm really realizing that I need to stop talking. I need to stop trying to make myself heard and just be. Dealing with any given situation after my anger passes is going to cause me to be more fair in my judgement anyway and my criticism won't hurt, it will heal.

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. 

Proverbs 13:3

An 'unglued' kind of day.

Today was a hideous day. One of those days where you wish you could just go to bed, get some sleep and wake up to start fresh. Actually, it wasn't so bad until the boys came home after school. Not that I'm saying it's connected with that or anything...

Anyway, I don't want this to be a sob-fest of complaint, because really, what do I really have to complain about? But it was one of those days where I just couldn't get it together enough to be the mom. I always tell Lucas that some days everyone is happy and it's great. Some days, the kids are awful but I am mature enough to rise to the occasion and be the parent. Other days, I am cranky but the kids are fine. Then, there are days like these, where all heck breaks loose and it seems that no matter what I do, or what they do, we just cannot get our acts together to be normal and happy.

I'm reading a book called, "Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions," by Lysa TerKeurst and in the chapter I read today she said something that I really like. She told the story of when Joshua has been commanded to march around Jericho for seven days, and just before he does, he is visited by the commander of the Lord's army, who is really the Lord Himself. Joshua asks Him a question: "Are you for us or for our enemies?" But the Lord replies: Neither. Lysa made the point that Joshua had asked the wrong question; he should have asked instead, "Whose side am I on?" She says that this is very often the root of why we tend to fly off the handle when things go wrong, the fact that we forget Whose side we are on. Am I on God's side or not?

I tend to agree with her point. Sometimes changing myself, or even allowing the Lord to work through me to become a better mom seems so impossible. Almost as insurmountable as the walls that Joshua was facing at Jericho. But I really need to come to grips with the fact that God is there and if I really believe this, then why is it not reflected in my behaviour towards my family? I think if I really took God at His word and let Him work through me to complete the impossible, great things would happen.

Lysa also introduced a new phrase that she made up and it's this: Imperfect progress. I think sometimes I expect perfection from myself, but when I mess up, I feel I'm done, that there's no going back to change what I did. Lysa says though, "Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace... imperfect progress." Just because I sometimes mess up, doesn't mean that all the good I did before has been undone.

I want to share what I've learned, not only because maybe it will help someone else, but also as a reminder to myself.

*I wrote this last night, but hesitated to post it because I don't want to come across like I'm complaining. I really do have a good life even though I need to make an attitude adjustment. But in the name of being real, I decided to post it anyway.*

Thoughts.

How many times today have I started this post, this first-day-of-school post? I haven't really known where to begin with so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind.

My babies are growing up and it is entirely bittersweet. I want my kids to be independent, confident and strong. And yet, I still want them to be my little chicks, where I can hold them close under my wing. This morning, when Jacob was feeling blue about starting school, Nicholas fully took on the big brother role, encouraging his brother, telling him the first day of school is always fun. Sometimes you see little glimpses of who your children will one day become, and today I saw what a compassionate, nurturing man my oldest boy will someday be. My Jacob tends towards hesitancy. Where Nicholas storms ahead and knows without a doubt that he can conquer whatever is set before him, Jacob hangs back a little, dipping his toe in the water for a while before diving in. Hearing his little voice in the back seat of the car today, after a day accomplished at school: "Well, that really wasn't so bad at all!" He can do it, he just doesn't always realize it right away.

So proud of my kids. For all of our dark days, our hideous moments, there is joy and growth. I see it. And yes, I know it's easy to say this when they're all peacefully sleeping in their beds and tomorrow morning when I am losing my mind trying to get everyone out the door, I will be singing a different tune, let me tell you. But isn't that the whole Mystery of Motherhood? We need the hard moments to appreciate the joy, but how would we ever become better mothers if there was no mess?

I'm looking forward to a new year, and I must admit, September is when I celebrate my New Year. Fresh routines, new resolve to get things right, structure to our days, projects to reorganize and rejuvenate the house. It's all necessary and I soak it up and breathe it in, looking forward to the cooler weather, changing leaves, and all the crispness that fall brings.

All of grace.

In the book that I reviewed yesterday, A Heart for Freedom, Ling really struggles with the fact that she had several abortions as a young woman living in China. Although she gets saved and knows God loves her, she still has a very hard time forgiving herself. A small part of her struggle was knowing that her husband looked down on her. He certainly didn't mean to, and was nothing but a loving, kind husband, but he couldn't really come to terms with her abortions either. Not having grown up in China himself, he didn't really get how she could have let it happen. Ling's husband attended a conference where he heard Dr. Tim Keller speak, and he came away with a renewed perspective on grace, and passed it on to Ling, enabling them both to heal. Here is what he heard:

"The key to understanding grace... is recognizing that we were all dead in our sins (Ephesians 2:5). If we were merely sick in our sins, there would be degrees of illness and degrees of treatment. But dead is dead. When we're dead, we don't need treatment, we need a resurrection, and there is nothing we ourselves can do to bring that about. So grace is not only a free gift from God, it is also indispensable to our lives. On top of that, even though grace is a free gift to us, it was purchased at the price of Jesus' life - which makes it infinitely costly, as well. If we have received this gift of grace... which is both indispensable and infinitely costly, on what basis do we look down our noses at others for the sins or wrongs they have committed?"

This is something that I should have known, and I guess I did to a point, but I don't think it's ever been spelled out to me in quite this way. It's the type of thing that I know, but I'm only slowly learning the full implications of as I get older. Thought I'd share :)

My girl.

I don't think I could ever adequately express...

...just how much...

...I adore...

...this...

...little girl.

Summer.

We only have one week and a couple days left of summer vacation, and all I can say is, where did the summer go? I can't believe just how fast it went, and although I felt very apprehensive at the beginning, I would say overall it was a great summer. Here are some snapshots to prove it:

Amelia celebrated her third birthday....

...she got a Barbie house.

My big boy lost his first tooth.

We played lots of Lego...

...spent lots of time at the waterfront...

...went to the beach a few times with Daddy...

...dug in the sand...

...visited a museum...

...had a fabulous vacation in PEI...

...got to see Anna...

...had a tea party...

...Jacob played on a soccer team for the first time.

Those are just some of the highlights. I, terrible photographer that  I am, did not document a lot of what we did. We also had two weeks of swimming lessons at a lake, we did DVBS, we spent lots of time outside and visiting people and lots of other stuff. Hope you all had as great a summer as we did!

Wild child.

So, I read this article a couple of days ago, here, and I copied and pasted the whole thing because of what an impact it had on me. I don't ever want to forget it. Although my 'difficult' child is not nearly as 'wild' as this lady's was, I still sometimes feel that my oldest son is on the outer edge of normal. I am that sarcastic mom she talks about, who feels cynical when other moms tell me how to parent this kid of mine. Anyway, feel free to read or not. If you too have a 'wild child,' then maybe it will help you as well. 

THE WILD CHILD

Today, our guest author is Pearl, who says about her article, “It was spawned by Julie Sibert’s posting of May 8th.  I wish to impart hope to those who are currently rearing difficult children.  I was in such anguish during those years, any kind of encouragement would have been cherished.”

Blessed with a Wild Child?
I lovingly refer to our difficult first son as the wild-child. Faced with a group of moms, I can usually gauge who has a wild-child by watching her reaction to this sentence. “Well, you just make them do it,” meaning an authoritative parenting style is used in instructing the child how to behave. Mom’s with a wild-child will raise their eyebrows, look me straight on, and with much sarcasm say, “yeah, right.”

One in twenty children is labeled as having a difficult temperament (Thomas & Chess, 1977). This disposition can display:
1. Extreme emotional reactions (meltdowns)
2. Negative response to new situations (hard time adjusting)
3. Not easy to please
4. Bad moods
5. Hypersensitivity to loud noises, clothing irritants, food textures/tastes.

These children can also exhibit high IQ’s and creativity. Thus, difficult temperaments may also be called the ‘artistic temperament.’ Within this difficult temperament there may be other specific disorders.

During the early years of my oldest son’s life, it seemed all we could do was hold on for the ride. At 9, he said he wanted to die on several occasions. At 11, he was provoked and choked a fellow student. At 13, he jumped from a two-story ledge for fun and broke both bones of both legs six inches above his ankles. He was handcuffed and put in a paddy wagon at age 15. And yet, he won first place for his Drug Awareness speech. He won an award for the most volunteer hours at a local nursing home. He was certified as a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) his senior year of high school. He taught himself to play guitar and now in his mid-20’s composes soft jazz to play at local restaurants.

My husband and I gave him knowledge of God’s Word and Jesus’ love through our words at home, Bible class, camps and youth rallies. Homelife had structure. I only worked part-time. His father and I tried to work as a team in parenting. But, we never had control. We lived in a world of extremes. Each morning, I held my breath wondering what the day would hold. Each night, I collapsed in bed weary from mental exhaustion.

The good news is we all survived. Our wild-child evolved into a highly philosophical, kind young man who is beautifully quirky. God has allowed us to use our experiences in raising him to encourage those who are bewildered with their own difficult temperament child. I wish to impart some hope and tools for those who are still in the trenches.

NETWORK – If you notice discrepancies at an early age and behavior that is extreme, find other families who are dealing with similar issues. You will start to get a sense of who is dealing with a difficult child. Through sharing, you may gain awareness of effective therapists and much needed support.

ADVOCATE for yourself – Carefully consider if health care workers play down your concerns with your child’s behavior. If you have any inkling something is wrong, it probably is. Don’t let anyone question your ability as a parent. I loved when the Lord gave me the opportunity to gently clue in the clueless.

ADVOCATE for your child – My son was empowered when he saw that I was on his side when dealing with school problems. That’s not to say I condoned his behavior. When he saw that I was his representative and empathetic, he would take counsel better when we got home.

REMEMBER THE CHILD’S BEHAVIOR DOESN’T REFLECT YOU – Your precious child was born with this temperament. You are separate and apart from the child. They make their own choices. (Please, remember this when they hit teen years.) Their behavior is NO indication that you are a bad parent.

PRAY
1. Relinquish Control – Relinquish control, gain freedom. I gave my wild-child over to the Lord daily. Inside or outside of my presence, I couldn’t control my child’s behavior. The Lord could protect him, calm his mind and help his decisions. The Lord was faithful with my trust in Him.
2. “How do I get through this, Lord?” – Although I couldn’t control the situations, I prayed God would give me the wisdom in how to proceed. God consistently put resources in our path at just the right moment (books, comments from strangers, good teachers, out of the blue suggestions.)
3. Hope – Daily ask for hope and the ability to see it. I needed daily reassurance of my child’s goodness. I knew that his behavior wasn’t bad, it was just outside of societies accepted norms. Still, I needed to see the tiniest bit of positive. I had to work with the Lord by being observant for the positive action. Even if it was just an instant of sharing kindly with his brothers or petting the dog lovingly. Those moments were my joy.

No Difficult Child in your life?
If you do not have the blessing of a difficult child, please remember this verse.
Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Nothing hurt my heart worse than a negative comment about my son, even out of ignorance. Parents of difficult children are beaten down enough by society and its behavioral standards. Don’t contribute to their weariness.

Final Hope
Wild-child parents, your life will never suffer from boredom. If you’ve given your child to the Lord, know that your child is going to grow into a productive godly adult. Never doubt it. However, you may have to shift your expectations of what that adult will be like. Frankly, I’ll take beautifully quirky over sedate seriousness anytime!

Tea party.

Sometimes all a girl needs to be happy in life is some tea in a pretty teacup!

When I am weak.

How do Christians really bear another’s burden, if we refuse to bear any burden at all?

Am I a Pharisee tossing a painless coin from my excess or a bowed lady giving a tender offering, a bit like the painful, joy-filled last mite? How many times has my “I can’t give” really mean, “I can’t give without bearing a burden myself?”

How can we take a load off someone else’s back without taking a bit of a load on ourselves and what else can it mean to pick up His cross and follow Him? - Ann Voskamp

Read this quote today, and although the author was not talking about a mother-child relationship, it really spoke to me as such. It's where I'm at and lately my thoughts have been consumed with the how of child-rearing. Sometimes I feel so frail and so spent. Most often, I feel like I want my life to be easy. I want everything to be sunshine and rainbows, but the reality is that life with three small children is hard. I am selfish enough to fight against my reality most days. If we have a bad day, more often than not, it can be traced back to the fact that I just don't feel like it anymore. I get tired. Being a mother is so much about pouring yourself out on others, and even when you've wrung out the very last drop of yourself, you are called to continue pouring from your utterly exhausted emptiness. 


The older I get, the more I realize that this life is not meant to be easy. God wants us to constantly seek Him out for help in our weakness; He wants us coming to the place of realization that we can't do it on our own. If my life was always a bed of roses, if everything was so plush and perfect all the time, I would never have need for prayer. It'd be easy to do life on my own if nothing was ever difficult. But that's not how God works to refine us. 


I'll end with another quote I read today that ties in with this thought:

Heaven is not here, it's There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for. - Elisabeth Elliot

A few thoughts.

I was really nervous about sending Nicholas to public school. I don't know, as a parent you just want to do the best thing for your child and it seems there is never any easy, black and white answer. To homeschool or not. To send them to public school or not. So many questions. Everyone has a different opinion on what is better for kids in general, and even have ideas about what might be best for my child specifically. Anyway, when the time rolled around for Nicholas to be registered for Primary (kindergarten to the rest of the world) two years ago, I was extremely anxious. I cried when I thought of sending him to public school (which also translates into "sending him to the lions" for some, myself included). I wrestled with whether to keep him home and teach him myself, going from one end of the schooling spectrum to the other in my mind so often that I'd give myself headaches.

I don't think I've ever prayed so hard for something in my life. What I really wanted was for God to just shout down an answer to me. Since I knew that was not going to happen, I continued to wrestle. Meanwhile, my very calm and un-anxious husband was there, my ever-constant source of reason and sensibility. "Just send him to school, at least for Primary. We'll just take it year by year and make a decision based on where we are in life at that point," he said, sensibly. Life is so easy for him. No fuss, no muss. "You don't understand!" I cried. "I can't do this! He's my baby! I can't just send him into the unknown." Lucas responded the way he always does, "He'll be fine. The Lord will be with him." I silently raged at Lucas for not being more convicted about homeschooling. What I really wanted was for him to say, "Let's homeschool." I'd only have peace then, or so I thought. But there was no way I was going to homeschool if he was not 100% on board with it. No way that I'd go into it without his complete support. However, he was not changing his mind and it looked like I'd have to go register Nicholas for school.

I don't think I can describe to you the struggle I felt. It seemed so preposterous to me to send my precious baby to school, where unthinkable things could happen to him. Plus, I read way too many blogs of people who homeschool and have thousands of reasons why God does not want us to send our kids to school. (Basically, they seem to think that homeschooling will save their children.) So I prayed and prayed. Finally I said to myself (and it was no thunderbolt or revelation, but a gradual realization), "Laura, there is no clear indication in the Bible that you have to homeschool. You won't be sinning if you send your child to school. BUT there is a clear indication, a command even, in the Bible that you are to respect what your husband has to say, and to listen to him." The answer seemed simple: Send Nicholas to school. As soon as I came to that conclusion, I felt peace. Deep, unquestioning, satisfying, peace. I don't mean that I never cried about it again, because I surely did. I still had nights where I cried, begging God to take care of my boy at school. But underneath it all, there was a strong sense of God's peace that I was doing the right thing in sending Nicholas to school, and above all, submitting to what my husband had to say about it, and therefore, obeying the Lord.

Can I just brag a little bit about God's grace now? I don't think I can even begin to describe how gracious He was to me those first few days of sending Nicholas to school, and the whole year afterward. It is only now, in hindsight that I can really see how much He cared for me then. First of all, Nicholas adjusted so well to school. He did not fight me, at all. He did not cry (maybe one little tear the first day, but nothing I couldn't handle), and although he went through a bout of crying for a week in March, I was much better equipped at that point to handle it. Second, Nicholas had the most amazing teacher and the most special class. His teacher was actually subbing for the "real" Primary teacher who was on maternity leave. She was awesome. Just perfectly what we needed, both Nicholas and I. In hindsight, now that Jacob had the "real" teacher this past year, as good as she is, she would have scared me if she'd been Nicholas' teacher that first year.

His class? Everyone remarked about how special they are: The parents, his teacher, and myself all saw how great this group of kids was, and actually it was only this past year, when I see how Jacob's class is, I realize that Nicholas' class is not the norm. Nicholas' grade one teacher actually said that in all her twenty years of teaching, she has never seen a class like it. She said that 98% of the class is above average, and there are no "problem" children, aside from what you'd expect of active kids in that age group. Would this be an indication of God's loving grace? Another thing that really hit me the other day, is the school situation. Because of boundary issues, Nicholas ended up going to a much smaller school than what we'd originally thought. A few months in, we found out the boundary was going to change back and that our neighbourhood school was now going to be a much bigger school, which I would absolutely hate. Besides which, it's a school that is very "keeping up with the Joneses" whereas the school my kids go to has more of a wide and diverse range of kids of all walks of life. But, because Nicholas was already enrolled in the smaller school, he was allowed to stay there, and it was easy to get Jacob in too.

God's grace? I just see it everywhere. One thing that I have realized the last couple of years is how much He cares. He cares so much about each little detail of our lives and not only does He care, but He finds little ways of showing us His gracious heart. I am amazed and my faith has been fortified. 

"...do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

THREE!!

Amelia, I cannot believe you are three! When you were born, I couldn't believe that I'd gotten a baby girl, and I still can't believe I have you. You are everything a mommy could hope to have in a little girl. You are beautiful, inside and out, and I love you even more than you love pink! :)

Your first name means "industrious" and your second name speaks for itself - "Grace." We could not have picked a better name for you; you are the essence of "industrious grace." You are my busy girl, always finding a way to keep yourself occupied and reaching out to help mommy or anyone else who needs it. Yet you do it with such a graceful spirit, and mommy loves your gentle, caring heart.

I feel so utterly privileged to be allowed to raise you, and watch you grow up. I have enjoyed every second of seeing you become such an amazing little girl! Happy birthday, sweet girl!

A lesson in the afternoon.

Yesterday afternoon I was walking along the waterfront with my kids, enjoying the warm yet refreshing breeze blowing in off the harbour. Up ahead we could see a large group of children running around, playing games.

"Who are they, Mommy?" asked one of the boys.
"Oh, that looks like a day-camp," I replied. "Do you think you guys would like to go to a day-camp everyday of the summer instead of being at home all the time?"
"No," Nicholas answered with confident conviction. "I wouldn't. I would hate to go to a day-camp. I would rather be at home."

I'm not entirely sure if he even really understood what a day-camp actually is, but to him, whatever it was could not compare to being at home. See, I have often considered (albeit very briefly, and not too seriously) looking into sending my boys to some kind of summer-camp activity, if not everyday, then at least a couple of days a week. People have said to me on more than one occasion, that I should send them to a camp to get them out of my hair. And judging from the amount of kids at the park today - not with their mothers - it seems to be the norm.

Another thing that happened to seal my growing conviction against day-camps: We were walking into the children's section of the library and Jacob and Amelia immediately ran to check out the toys. I asked Nicholas why he didn't go look to see what there was to play with and he says, "No, I'd rather sit down and talk to you." We had been discussing various Halifax topics while we ate our Tim Horton's under the shade of a tree at the park. One, the Halifax Explosion in which I tried to explain falteringly the whens and hows of the whole ordeal. Two, there is a broken propeller on display at the park and I told the kids I used to climb on it when I was a kid myself and that began a whole discussion about the propeller, why it was there and even more interesting, why it was broken. Nicholas feels very intrigued by life and always has a million and one questions about anything that piques his interest. So, when we got to the library, he wanted to continue picking my brain for answers. Not that I have many, but to him I am Knowledge personified. Or something.

Anyway, my point is, I cannot imagine packing my kids off to a camp everyday. I really needed these little instances to happen today though. Yesterday was officially the first day of summer vacation, where it was just the kids and I and nothing on our to-do list except laundry and a trip to Costco. I dread those kind of days. And I was not disappointed: Their behaviour almost had me locking myself in my room a couple of times. They were tired from our busy weekend and I was not in the mood. And then today, although they were in a much better frame of mind, and overall it was a much better day than yesterday, there were still a couple of moments when the frustration rose a little bit too high.

But is life supposed to be easy? If I find being a mom hard, am I supposed to take the easy way out and ship them off to a day-camp so I don't have to face the grimy, exhausting task before me? I have been called to this and my kids need me. They need me to rise to the occasion and be their mom, even when I really don't feel like it.

And I have to say, I loved our afternoon of Tim Horton's and chatting under a tree, on a breezy and beautiful summer day.

A servant heart.

The other day Lucas jokingly said, "Do I get a gold medal for doing the garbage?" And I replied, "If awards were given out for every chore around here, I'd be drowning in them." Yes, I've been known to grumble about my tasks. See, being a mom involves many, many duties that are mundane, never-ending, and virtually thankless. Sometimes I literally feel like crying when I lean down to pick up the same strewn toys for the umpteenth time in one day. Children are nothing if not invasive in my orderly world. But I don't want to get too off track here...

...My point of this post was to talk about some verses I read today, which seemed hand-picked by the Lord to tell me where I'm going wrong... 

“Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’? Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink’? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’” Luke 17:7-10

Sometimes I think about the Lord and what He endured down here. Not His death, but His life. If ever there was someone who would have been entitled to grumble, it was Him. He was the King of Kings, and yet He was tirelessly serving a bunch of ingrates. Sometimes people were mean to Him. Hardly anyone listened to Him, unless they were going to get something from Him. He spoke and it bounced right off their denseness. And they most certainly did not bother to thank Him. One leper did, and correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that was the only instance. (Dad?) No accolades. No awards. No appreciation. And yet He loved them. Out of this immense love sprang service. Tireless, seemingly pointless service. He knew His duty and did it, without complaining or whining. No prayers of disbelief tossed up to His Father. "Really? These people?"


When I think of where He came from and what He did, I can see clearly that I have no right to complain. Yes, I've been given a very large task - raising three little people into semi-normal human beings. But because I know (or strive to know) what He went through down here, I know that His heart is filled with empathy for me. He isn't just idly up in heaven expecting me to do what He hasn't already done. I believe with my whole heart that He is here right beside me, encouraging me in His gentle voice through verses like the ones above. This morning I prayed that there would be a verse in my Bible-reading that would remind me that what I'm doing is not in vain. He heard me.


The servant does what's expected of him because that is what he is: a servant. There is a job to do and he gets it done. So no, there are no rewards or accolades. Not now anyway. Maybe someday in heaven there will be. But that is not why I'm doing it. I'm doing it because it's what's required of me. One day, sometimes one moment, at a time.

I never knew.

No one ever tells you what motherhood is really like. I think the closest I came to an honest description of it before I had kids was from my sisters-in-law, when they described the completely overwhelmed feeling of new-motherhood, the everlasting tears (both yours and the baby's), the extreme exhaustion. But that really only covered the first six weeks for me. Nicholas was a normal newborn and I spent many sleepless nights trying to comfort his wee self, but I was somehow always buoyed up knowing that my capable sisters-in-law had also felt entirely lost in this weird new life. After six weeks, we finally discovered that Nicholas' real problem was that he simply needed to sleep on his belly. Once we found that out, he's been our best sleeper ever since.

I then entered what I call a honeymoon phase in which my baby was sleeping through the night, we'd finally gotten the nursing down to a science, and I felt the vague stirrings of my old self starting to return. I can do this, I thought. I will be me again and I have the most content baby ever so I couldn't really ask for more. This phase lasted until my darling baby learned to crawl at around five-six months. Even then, it was still somewhat manageable, although I tired pretty quickly of hopping up and down every five seconds to pull him out of some forbidden place.

But then, something happened. Suddenly, he could walk. And not only that, but there was another baby on the way. When Jacob arrived, I was dealing with the sleepless nights and was pulling an extremely active toddler out of the cupboards all day long. No one told me how hard it was going to be. I remember having to close myself in a child-proofed bedroom, with both boys and a few little toys so I could nurse Jacob without having to worry about what Nicholas was getting into. I was changing two sets of diapers and literally felt like a diaper machine. It was all I did. Changed bums and kept babies out of harm's way. I thought children were supposed to be a blessing...

As they grew older, it only seemed to get worse. Tantrums, food battles, bickering. Dealing with all of this and being pregnant yet again with my third. I felt utterly, completely out of my element. Sometimes I just felt so confused and panicky. Who am I and how did I get here? What's my name again?  I'm still not completely sure how I survived those days.

Don't get me wrong, though. Through all of the angst (or whatever you want to call it) that I was feeling, there were moments of joy. Little arms giving big hugs. Sweet voices saying, "I love you." Bits of maturity cropping up here and there in their personalities, giving me a glimpse of what they might be like as adults.


As my kids have gotten older, it has gotten much easier. They're becoming more independent and now that I'm able to have actual conversations with them, I see light at the end of the tunnel. With time and experience, I have gained more wisdom and confidence on this ever-changing journey.


I never knew motherhood could be so completely overwhelming. Or how ill worry could make a person. Or that it would sometimes feel like they are holding your heart in their grubby little hands and every once in a while, they crush it. Sometimes it even feels like they are your heart, pulsing on the outside of you. My kids are the very air I breathe, and I would be lost without them.

I wasn't prepared for the mess of motherhood, but neither was I prepared for feeling the fierce love I have for my kids. No one ever told me that either.