Lately I have been told, by a very good and very insightful friend, that I need to "redefine" myself. The conversation we had came on the heels of a very dark blog post I wrote a little while back, just before Christmas. Basically, I was feeling overwhelmed, lost, like I was floundering in a deep and dark ocean, and it came spilling out for all you lovely people to read.
Anyway, from that post, a few people have responded and one of the things that came out of it, was for my friend to mention this "redefining" idea. As soon as she said it, a light bulb went off in my head and I was like "oh yeah, why didn't I think of that?"
To get an idea of what she means, and what I am now processing and thinking through, I will tell you how I used to define myself: a girl who loves to sit in a big comfy chair, reading a book and drinking a cup of tea (hence the blog URL). I would define myself as someone who hates doing anything athletic, even walking, and who isn't all that comfortable with being pushed out of my comfort zone.
So, that is how I rolled my whole life. Just sitting around, reading, not doing much to stress myself out. Six and a half years ago, I had a baby boy. He was a fairly calm baby for the first six months, but once he started crawling he became a hurricane. I remember talking to my best friend and lamenting how I would wake up in the morning and literally dread my day, knowing there would not be a moment of peace, or being able to sit and read a book. She didn't get it, since her little girl just sat and played toys all day. (Justice is now being served though, as she now has two energetic boys of her own. Hi, Leah!)
Then, when my very active boy was nineteen months old, and in the height of his digging-through-the-cupboards stage, I added another boy to the mix. It wasn't too long before I had my hands full of two very active, very energetic boys and I literally felt and do feel, that I am in way over my head. They want me to let them ride bikes! Go swimming! Go to the park! Play soccer! Hockey! Wrestle! Jump! I'm tired just writing it!
This is all pretty exhausting for a phlegmatic person like myself. So...
Enter the new me and a whole new definition of myself: I am no longer that same person, who is able to sit and read a book all day. I am now a mom of two active boys and one not-so-active girl. I can't just sit and let them run wild, but take measures to gain control of the life I've been given and accept it as God's perfect plan for me. If I had gotten to choose, I'd have chosen three, docile, personality-less girls, who would sit and read with me. But I didn't get to choose, and God must have a sense of humour because he gave me something that is stretching me far and above my comfort zone.
My friend and I came up with a list of things that will help me think of myself in a different light, and things that will help me be more proactive in keeping control of my family. Basically, instead of picking them up from school and just flying by the seat of our pants and spiraling into a whirlpool of negativity, screaming, and darkness, I can have a plan in mind that will carry us through the three hours before Lucas comes home for supper.
The formula is simple: 1. Let them play at the school playground for half an hour before going home, or take them sledding or to the park, go biking, or simply go for a walk. In nutshell, let them burn off a bit of energy before going home. 2. Have something planned for them to do at home. Cardboard boxes, popsicle sticks, tape... just anything that I've taken the time to put out for them to do that would occupy their attention for a while. Maybe even have a toy set up and ready for them to play with. 3. Hopefully by this time, they are ready to go off and play by themselves, and in a crunch, watch a movie while I make supper.
Another thing on my list to do (which we're working on today), is to organize all our toys and box them, and make our playroom more fun and kid-friendly. I also might finally try the rule of "one toy out at a time" which I've always wanted to do, but never implemented. I'm hoping it might make them more excited about their toys. My friend also suggested an area specific for them to wrestle in, rather than just anywhere they happen to be. This is a great idea and I don't know why I didn't think of it before.
So to redefine myself, there are things I'm going to have to do that I've never done before, one example being, maybe taking a walk - even if it's raining. Me? Walk in the rain? I hate rain and I hate walking. But I think I can do it, if only to get my kids to burn off energy. That is the key, I think. Just letting them use their energy in normal ways, like walking or biking or sledding, rather than killing each other. I might have to pick up a hockey stick, or kick a soccer ball with them...
...which brings me to yesterday. After school we came home, and the boys wanted to play outside. I figured, okay, here is my moment to stay out with them for a change, instead of going right in and leaving them by themselves. I bundled us all up, even Amelia, and out we went. I'd given the boys each a new sled for Christmas, sled being a very generous term for something that looks more like a shovel. I thought they'd get a kick out of them anyway, and I was right. Yesterday, there was only a skiff of snow on the ground, but it was crunchy and perfect for sledding, or so I thought. And I guess it was when Jacob did it, but then I got the idea to go myself, so I hefted all --- lbs (insert your number) of me onto the
sled shovel and took off, screaming as I went. What? Sledding is terrifying! In the midst of my screaming, I could hear Nicholas going, "You broke it! You broke my sled!" And sure enough, a whole chunk of the seat had broken off. How the boys laughed. I predicted that Daddy would shout with laughter when he heard the story, and how right I was. But he also told me how great it was that I did that with them, that I'd created a funny memory for them. It's so true. We would have missed that moment had I just come in and read a book.
Oh the things my boys can teach me, if I'll only let them! I do love my boys so much and I don't want anyone to ever think that my complaining means I don't. I honestly don't know what I'd do without them and wouldn't trade them for those three girls I talked about earlier. I just need to take myself above and beyond what I am comfortable doing. Life is not about being comfortable anyway, but about stretching ourselves to be all that God wants us to be. It is about enjoying the little moments of life with the people we love, and taking control of things we can keep in control, like daily activities, and our own temperaments.
I think that is all I wanted to say about that. It's only the very beginning of my journey to redefine myself. It won't take away all the moments of craziness, but I think it's at least going to help me feel more on top of things. It's going to make me feel like I'm accomplishing something, instead of drowning under the weight of my duties. It may even make those duties fun.
I'll keep you updated.
