Thoughts.

How many times today have I started this post, this first-day-of-school post? I haven't really known where to begin with so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind.

My babies are growing up and it is entirely bittersweet. I want my kids to be independent, confident and strong. And yet, I still want them to be my little chicks, where I can hold them close under my wing. This morning, when Jacob was feeling blue about starting school, Nicholas fully took on the big brother role, encouraging his brother, telling him the first day of school is always fun. Sometimes you see little glimpses of who your children will one day become, and today I saw what a compassionate, nurturing man my oldest boy will someday be. My Jacob tends towards hesitancy. Where Nicholas storms ahead and knows without a doubt that he can conquer whatever is set before him, Jacob hangs back a little, dipping his toe in the water for a while before diving in. Hearing his little voice in the back seat of the car today, after a day accomplished at school: "Well, that really wasn't so bad at all!" He can do it, he just doesn't always realize it right away.

So proud of my kids. For all of our dark days, our hideous moments, there is joy and growth. I see it. And yes, I know it's easy to say this when they're all peacefully sleeping in their beds and tomorrow morning when I am losing my mind trying to get everyone out the door, I will be singing a different tune, let me tell you. But isn't that the whole Mystery of Motherhood? We need the hard moments to appreciate the joy, but how would we ever become better mothers if there was no mess?

I'm looking forward to a new year, and I must admit, September is when I celebrate my New Year. Fresh routines, new resolve to get things right, structure to our days, projects to reorganize and rejuvenate the house. It's all necessary and I soak it up and breathe it in, looking forward to the cooler weather, changing leaves, and all the crispness that fall brings.