Most of the time, I am looking back at all I've done wrong in life and wishing I could have done it better. And because I sometimes feel that the things I've done/not done have adversely affected my kids, I feel justified in regretting the past. I often think if only I had/hadn't done this or that... and then I start worrying that maybe mistakes I've made are going to send my kids straight to therapy when they're older... and then I feel guilty... and then I it's like I'm spiraling into despair. I'm sorry if that sounds overly dramatic, but it is what it is. The thing is, regrets get me no where. They are so completely unhelpful since for one, I can't go back and undo the past (but wouldn't that be nice??) and for another, if my heart is heavy remembering yesterday, then I am in no way enjoying today. And today is all I have. I do have a point...
Sometimes I wish that I knew then what I know now. But I didn't. So I've compiled a list that I wish I'd had way back when and maybe it will help someone who is just starting out. And really, since I only have today, it is not too late for me to take to heart what I've learned and try to apply it now. After all, if nothing else, hopefully my mistakes can teach me something.
What I've Learned in Seven Years of Mothering:
This is a big one for me. Kids do not come with manuals, and although the Bible has quite a bit to say about parenting, it in no way prepares you for how to raise your kids. You can have an idea of what you want to do, but generally things never really work out the way you anticipate. After all, kids are human beings with (sometimes very large) personalities and strong wills and adapting to them is a lot of work. It's really about learning to go with the flow and find what works for your own family and then stick with it. Hand in hand with that piece of wisdom, is not worrying what others think. In the parenting world, there are a million and one ways to raise a child, but if you've found what works for your particular kids, you need to let go of the notion (sometimes based in fact) that not everyone is going to agree with you. Ignore their judgement. As long as you're not doing anything to warrant a visit from child services, it's nobody's business how you're raising your kids.
Your time is no longer your own.
This is it, people. Once you have that precious little newborn in your arms, there is no turning back. Reality kicks in and you realize that it is you, and you alone, who has to take care of that child. People can help, but the fact is, you are no longer looking after just yourself. And sometimes that baby's needs take precedence over your own. So yes, you really do have to have sleepless nights and no else is going to calm that screaming baby. The sooner you can face up to your new reality, the happier you'll be. And it doesn't end. Motherhood is an ongoing process of dying to yourself.
Pray. A lot.
I wish I had prayed more at the beginning of my career as a mom. Sad to say, I didn't pray nearly as much as I should have. There is not much to say about this really, but praying for your kids is probably the single most important thing you can ever do for them.
RELAX.
I tend towards uptightness and this often translates into being impatient with my kids more than I should. But they're kids and they're going to be silly and wild sometimes so just go with it. My uptightness also comes in the form of wanting to look good in front of others. I tend to be a lot more disappointed in my kids when others can see how horrifically they're behaving, which is ridiculous. They are what they are and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that their behaviour doesn't reflect badly on me. Well, I think there are people who do judge you when your kids act up, but I do believe that is their problem and not mine. Or that is what I try to tell myself anyway. Freaking when my kids misbehave in front of others is only going to make my kids think that they have to put up a front whenever they're in public anyway. And if there's one thing I cannot stand, it's fake people. If I can only teach my kids one thing in life, (besides the things of God) it's to be authentic.
Enjoy them because it goes by so fast.
People always said this to me and still do. It doesn't drive me as crazy anymore, partly because I am realizing how quickly they really do grow up. But I used to want to strangle them when they said it to me. I've heard that "the days are long but the years are short," and this is so true for motherhood, with a huge stress on the days are long part. Somehow when you're in the thick of changing diapers and breast-feeding and pulling kids out of harms way and refereeing their squabbles, enjoying them is very far down on your list of priorities. But it's true. Time does fly by and I wish to a certain degree I had taken the time to enjoy them just a little more than I did.
Don't sweat it.
It's such a cliche to say "don't sweat the small stuff," but it's so, so true. Dirty floors, or a pile of dishes in the sink really shouldn't take priority over snuggling with your baby or playing a game of Memory with your kids. Sometimes it can feel like your house is falling down around your ears, but try to let it go and focus on what's important. Take walks. Go to the park. Play a game. Read to them. And another thing, try not to freak if they do something silly and childish, like drawing on the walls or spilling a drink. In the grand scheme of life, drinks can be mopped up and walls can be repainted. So try not to yell. Try to pick your battles and focus on what's important. Discipline them for the things that matter to you and let the rest go.
Hug them lots and tell them you love them.
That is pretty straightforward stuff!
Well, in the middle of writing all this, I went up the stairs a few times and yelled at my kids because they weren't going to sleep as quickly as I'd like them to... so, with this list I am by no means saying that I've got it all figured out. I said at the beginning that I need to keep applying all the stuff I've learned over the years so that I don't continue to make the same mistakes over and over. I do very often though. I'm only human. But I like to believe that maybe, somewhere along the way, I've become just a wee bit more relaxed and happy as a mom. Don't ask my kids though... they might tell you something different. :)
Great post Laura! These are things that I have to keep reminding myself of!
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