I can't.

This morning I read the kids the story of Moses and the burning bush, when God calls him to a seemingly impossible task. Moses had a huge list of excuses as to why he was not good enough for the job God wanted him to do. He pretty much told God He was wrong and that someone else would be better suited to the job. His pleading and begging got him nowhere. For some reason, God wanted Moses, in all his weakness and bumbling, to rescue His people from Egypt.

This sounds a lot like me. I have, on many hard days, complained and cried and prayed, "Why me?" I am not good enough. Not creative enough. I'm not a "kid" person. I don't know how to play Playmobil. I don't know how to reach my kids' hearts. Please don't make me play hide-and-seek one more time. Someone would be a much better Mom to these kids than me. Why did He give me these particular kids when He knows I would have done much better with docile, demure, emotionless children. I just. can't. do it. 

But, maybe I'm not supposed to be able to do it on my own. Maybe God wants me to feel completely and utterly incapable. He probably wouldn't have been able to use Moses if Moses had confidently said, "Okay, sounds great, Lord. When do I start?" If Moses had been able to accomplish his role, he would never have experienced God working through him. I think the Lord best uses people who feel they can't do it.

This is something I've always known in theory, the idea that God only uses us in our weakness. But the reality of it playing out in my day-to-day life is only starting to dawn on me now. This feeling of utter helplessness in the face of the enormous responsibility before me, is exactly where God wants me. I can kick and scream all I want, but He is going to drag me there regardless and tell me, "Yes. You can. But only with My help."

You know what? If I did not feel this helpless and weary about parenting, I would never pray. Nothing gets me on my knees more than being a mom. And maybe that is the whole point.