I can't.

This morning I read the kids the story of Moses and the burning bush, when God calls him to a seemingly impossible task. Moses had a huge list of excuses as to why he was not good enough for the job God wanted him to do. He pretty much told God He was wrong and that someone else would be better suited to the job. His pleading and begging got him nowhere. For some reason, God wanted Moses, in all his weakness and bumbling, to rescue His people from Egypt.

This sounds a lot like me. I have, on many hard days, complained and cried and prayed, "Why me?" I am not good enough. Not creative enough. I'm not a "kid" person. I don't know how to play Playmobil. I don't know how to reach my kids' hearts. Please don't make me play hide-and-seek one more time. Someone would be a much better Mom to these kids than me. Why did He give me these particular kids when He knows I would have done much better with docile, demure, emotionless children. I just. can't. do it. 

But, maybe I'm not supposed to be able to do it on my own. Maybe God wants me to feel completely and utterly incapable. He probably wouldn't have been able to use Moses if Moses had confidently said, "Okay, sounds great, Lord. When do I start?" If Moses had been able to accomplish his role, he would never have experienced God working through him. I think the Lord best uses people who feel they can't do it.

This is something I've always known in theory, the idea that God only uses us in our weakness. But the reality of it playing out in my day-to-day life is only starting to dawn on me now. This feeling of utter helplessness in the face of the enormous responsibility before me, is exactly where God wants me. I can kick and scream all I want, but He is going to drag me there regardless and tell me, "Yes. You can. But only with My help."

You know what? If I did not feel this helpless and weary about parenting, I would never pray. Nothing gets me on my knees more than being a mom. And maybe that is the whole point.

Being faithful.

Wherever you are, be all there. Jim Elliot

You know how sometimes, when you're struggling, and it feels like everywhere you turn, God is trying to speak to you? That happened to me this week. It started on Sunday at meeting (more commonly known as church :) when the topic was about how we are going to one day judge ourselves with the Lord at His judgement seat. Whatever we've done for Him we'll be rewarded for, and all else will be burned away and forgotten. One of the biggest thoughts that I pulled away from this topic is that the Lord really values faithfulness. No matter how big or small our calling is or seems to be, if we do it all heartily for Him, then we will be blessed for it.

You see, I really struggle sometimes with really knowing who I am and what I am meant to do here. Yes, I am a wife and a mom and those are no small tasks, but sometimes it feels like I should be doing something else as well. You know, something important. It's easy to look around me and see what others are doing, what talents they have that they are able to bless others with and then look at my own life and realize I don't really have anything spectacular to offer anyone. Sometimes I wonder why some people are given such strong, obvious talents, when others (like me) have to scrounge a little harder to find out what their gift is. But I digress...

I've been going through a phase where it feels like I'm floundering. I feel bored, aimless, and to top it off, the kids' behaviour is so not what it should be that I wonder if I'm doing any good at all... But remember what I said about God trying to speak to you when you're low? Well, the last couple of days I've read blog posts from three separate individuals titled, "The Day I Almost Quit", "When Life is More Than You Can Handle", and "Choosing Here." Here is what I was reminded of: God has a special purpose for us, and yes, while some days can seem completely futile and overwhelming, it is because He wants us to run to Him for help and be in total dependence on Him. He wants us to give 100% of ourselves to whatever task He has given, however big or small.

This life that I'm living is my calling. These kids, this husband, our particular home, is where I am supposed to be. I fall so far short of what I could or should be doing that I allow it to get me down far too often. But I think I am way too hard on myself and the only thing God is really asking of me is to be faithful with the gifts He's given, however small I think they are.

To change or not to change.

One of the biggest life lessons that most people learn, or hopefully learn, by the time they are adults, is that you can't change anyone but yourself. This huge life lesson, wrapped up in one simple statement, carries a lot of weight and is one of those things that can be applied to any relationship in your life, however big or small. I've found it true in friendships, and it's especially true in marriage. It all comes down to not holding a grudge against anyone, and realizing that although the other person is carrying around a lot of "stuff," maybe my "stuff" is even bigger. Well, my stuff is the only stuff I can really deal with anyway, so why not work on that first? Kind of like pulling the plank out of my own eye before trying to work on the speck in someone else's... I believe Someone very important said that.

WELL... I had a revelation the other day and it's this: The simple adage "you can't change anyone but yourself" also works in the parent/child relationship. See, the thing is is that I think deep down inside of me I have the ability to change my kids. Maybe I just feel that as their mom - and that "mom" word encompasses the fact that I carried them around not so comfortably in my womb for nine months - I have the God-given right to make them into who I want them to be, to change the things that are wrong about them. Or more accurately, the things I think are wrong with them. Don't get me wrong, I know as their mom I have a huge influence on their lives. I am shaping who they will one day be and I know this. But shaping and influencing is a far cry from trying to change the heart of who they are.

I see things in my kids that I don't like, but very often (all the time) the very things I complain about in them, are the things that I struggle with the most in my own heart. Shouting in anger, sarcasm, selfishness to the nth degree. Yep, got those covered. When I see it in my kids, it's like I'm looking in a mirror and I do not like it one little bit. My instinct is to get it out of them, to show them where they're going wrong since I know all too well the place of darkness that it is coming from. I could say that I am concerned because I don't want them to have to carry the weight of these sins their whole life, but really I think it's just that I hate having my own faults become so glaringly obvious.

I wonder though if I took the time, with the Lord's help, to really change myself, if it wouldn't carry a lot more weight with them. Trying to change the way I behave, will most certainly have an impact - influence - on them. Instead of me trying to change them, why don't I teach them how to let the Lord change their hearts? Rather than being a nit-picking, nagging mother, why do I not just give them over to the Lord and let Him do the dirty work? After all, I have no power to change them, even as their mom.

I used to think I had that power, but thankfully the Lord is teaching me that He's a much better candidate for the job.

Keep your tongue from evil.

As I move through life, especially as one who has a hard time controlling her tongue, I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that sometimes what you don't say is even more powerful than what you do say. A lot of times I worry that what I've said to my kids that day, or how I've yelled at them, will affect them so much that they'll spend their adult life in therapy or worse. In reality, I'm pretty sure (although not convinced) that they've forgotten it five minutes after it's happened. If what I'm saying is not even registering, then why am I even wasting the energy spewing anger out of my mouth? And if what I'm saying is registering, then I'd better learn pretty quickly to be quiet.

You see, when Jesus walked the earth, although He spoke a lot, and even had His moments of righteous anger chewing out the Pharisees, what stood out most was His quietness. If you really think about it, He of all people would have had the most to say, and with great cause too. "Peter, you know you're really high strung. Why do you bother? I'm the Lord. You can't do anything without Me because I created you. Judas, you know you're going to betray Me so why are you following me around like a sick dog and would you  just get out of My sight already? You know I could send a legion of angels to come and slay you, right? And oh, while I'm on the topic, why is everyone hanging off Me? Go away already. I'm tired." (Seriously could go on and on. I was having fun with that.) I'm not saying Jesus never showed them where they were going wrong because He surely did. But it was always with love and with a deep sense of knowing the person's heart. Any criticism He doled out was constructive. I think though, what Jesus didn't say stands out as equally as what He did say. Even to the death, He stayed silent.

I wish I could be more like that. Maybe my family wouldn't notice the things I don't say, or maybe it's so bad that the silence would be deafening. But either way, I would know, and more importantly, God would know. If I choose not to say anything in a moment where I really want to spew some venom around, surely that has to count for something. And if what I don't say bears weight, then the times I do have something to say will also carry more weight. My kids won't be like, "Oh there goes Mom, shooting off her mouth again. Tune her out, quick!" It'd be more like, "Oh, Mom is saying something? I'd better stop and listen." I know, I know, in a dream world, right?

But the point is, I'm really realizing that I need to stop talking. I need to stop trying to make myself heard and just be. Dealing with any given situation after my anger passes is going to cause me to be more fair in my judgement anyway and my criticism won't hurt, it will heal.

Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin. 

Proverbs 13:3

An 'unglued' kind of day.

Today was a hideous day. One of those days where you wish you could just go to bed, get some sleep and wake up to start fresh. Actually, it wasn't so bad until the boys came home after school. Not that I'm saying it's connected with that or anything...

Anyway, I don't want this to be a sob-fest of complaint, because really, what do I really have to complain about? But it was one of those days where I just couldn't get it together enough to be the mom. I always tell Lucas that some days everyone is happy and it's great. Some days, the kids are awful but I am mature enough to rise to the occasion and be the parent. Other days, I am cranky but the kids are fine. Then, there are days like these, where all heck breaks loose and it seems that no matter what I do, or what they do, we just cannot get our acts together to be normal and happy.

I'm reading a book called, "Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions," by Lysa TerKeurst and in the chapter I read today she said something that I really like. She told the story of when Joshua has been commanded to march around Jericho for seven days, and just before he does, he is visited by the commander of the Lord's army, who is really the Lord Himself. Joshua asks Him a question: "Are you for us or for our enemies?" But the Lord replies: Neither. Lysa made the point that Joshua had asked the wrong question; he should have asked instead, "Whose side am I on?" She says that this is very often the root of why we tend to fly off the handle when things go wrong, the fact that we forget Whose side we are on. Am I on God's side or not?

I tend to agree with her point. Sometimes changing myself, or even allowing the Lord to work through me to become a better mom seems so impossible. Almost as insurmountable as the walls that Joshua was facing at Jericho. But I really need to come to grips with the fact that God is there and if I really believe this, then why is it not reflected in my behaviour towards my family? I think if I really took God at His word and let Him work through me to complete the impossible, great things would happen.

Lysa also introduced a new phrase that she made up and it's this: Imperfect progress. I think sometimes I expect perfection from myself, but when I mess up, I feel I'm done, that there's no going back to change what I did. Lysa says though, "Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace... imperfect progress." Just because I sometimes mess up, doesn't mean that all the good I did before has been undone.

I want to share what I've learned, not only because maybe it will help someone else, but also as a reminder to myself.

*I wrote this last night, but hesitated to post it because I don't want to come across like I'm complaining. I really do have a good life even though I need to make an attitude adjustment. But in the name of being real, I decided to post it anyway.*

Thoughts.

How many times today have I started this post, this first-day-of-school post? I haven't really known where to begin with so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind.

My babies are growing up and it is entirely bittersweet. I want my kids to be independent, confident and strong. And yet, I still want them to be my little chicks, where I can hold them close under my wing. This morning, when Jacob was feeling blue about starting school, Nicholas fully took on the big brother role, encouraging his brother, telling him the first day of school is always fun. Sometimes you see little glimpses of who your children will one day become, and today I saw what a compassionate, nurturing man my oldest boy will someday be. My Jacob tends towards hesitancy. Where Nicholas storms ahead and knows without a doubt that he can conquer whatever is set before him, Jacob hangs back a little, dipping his toe in the water for a while before diving in. Hearing his little voice in the back seat of the car today, after a day accomplished at school: "Well, that really wasn't so bad at all!" He can do it, he just doesn't always realize it right away.

So proud of my kids. For all of our dark days, our hideous moments, there is joy and growth. I see it. And yes, I know it's easy to say this when they're all peacefully sleeping in their beds and tomorrow morning when I am losing my mind trying to get everyone out the door, I will be singing a different tune, let me tell you. But isn't that the whole Mystery of Motherhood? We need the hard moments to appreciate the joy, but how would we ever become better mothers if there was no mess?

I'm looking forward to a new year, and I must admit, September is when I celebrate my New Year. Fresh routines, new resolve to get things right, structure to our days, projects to reorganize and rejuvenate the house. It's all necessary and I soak it up and breathe it in, looking forward to the cooler weather, changing leaves, and all the crispness that fall brings.

All of grace.

In the book that I reviewed yesterday, A Heart for Freedom, Ling really struggles with the fact that she had several abortions as a young woman living in China. Although she gets saved and knows God loves her, she still has a very hard time forgiving herself. A small part of her struggle was knowing that her husband looked down on her. He certainly didn't mean to, and was nothing but a loving, kind husband, but he couldn't really come to terms with her abortions either. Not having grown up in China himself, he didn't really get how she could have let it happen. Ling's husband attended a conference where he heard Dr. Tim Keller speak, and he came away with a renewed perspective on grace, and passed it on to Ling, enabling them both to heal. Here is what he heard:

"The key to understanding grace... is recognizing that we were all dead in our sins (Ephesians 2:5). If we were merely sick in our sins, there would be degrees of illness and degrees of treatment. But dead is dead. When we're dead, we don't need treatment, we need a resurrection, and there is nothing we ourselves can do to bring that about. So grace is not only a free gift from God, it is also indispensable to our lives. On top of that, even though grace is a free gift to us, it was purchased at the price of Jesus' life - which makes it infinitely costly, as well. If we have received this gift of grace... which is both indispensable and infinitely costly, on what basis do we look down our noses at others for the sins or wrongs they have committed?"

This is something that I should have known, and I guess I did to a point, but I don't think it's ever been spelled out to me in quite this way. It's the type of thing that I know, but I'm only slowly learning the full implications of as I get older. Thought I'd share :)