Eight years.

To my Jacob boy. 

Wow you are eight, and Mommy cannot believe it! 

I have absolutely loved seeing your personality emerge over the last few years. 

You are most like your daddy; always a joke, a smile, and ready to make someone laugh. 

Your cheery attitude and peaceful soul are so needed in this family and I'm so glad you're you! Happiest of birthdays, big boy!! We love you so much!

Jacob at about eight months. Always the smiley one.

Still smiling at almost eight years old.

Heaviness.

I have not been here in a great long while. Not sure why. It could be because I don't have access to our desktop computer very often or because I broke my laptop (long story). Maybe I have not been feeling inspired. I am not sure. But because I am writer at heart, when something is eating away at me, it must come out. I must write it down or it does not go away.

Tonight, my heart and mind are heavy with the news of Brittany Maynard's death. You've probably already heard her story many times over, so I will not get into it here. (But follow this link if you haven't heard.)

Nothing in me can fathom the utter tragedy of this girl's life and death. Nothing in a long time has affected me quite this much. I think it is because there was no easy answer, maybe? The fact that she chose to end her life, while tragic in and of itself, is not the whole story. If she'd chosen to die naturally, she would have died a horrific death. Don't get me wrong, I am not condoning her choice at all. Everything within me rebels against the fact that she committed suicide. What I do find hard to wrap my mind around is that I have not walked in her shoes and therefore faced a horrendous diagnosis. I haven't been there, and I haven't been there without God. She was staring a horror in the face and she did not have God at her side. This is what makes me weep.

Brittany grew up in a culture, as most of us in first world countries have, where life is expendable. If a fetus has a defect, you get rid of it. Euthanasia is not far from our minds. We came from monkeys after all and have been taught that we are no better than animals. We are worthless pieces of dust that mean nothing. This is what our culture has embraced, although not in such blunt terms. It is all disguised under pretty terms like 'abortion' and 'evolution'. In Tim Keller's book "Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering" he talks about how our culture is the worst culture for dealing with hardship and suffering. We are told that suffering means nothing and therefore must be erased. The general consensus is that I must be happy at all times, and whatever/whoever does not make me so, then they can take a hike. He points out that Christianity is the only viewpoint that holds that not only should suffering be endured (think Jesus on the cross) but that there is great reward in it (think Jesus in heaven). It is the only religion that offers hope in the midst of pain, hope of heaven and eternal life.

Brittany didn't know this. As far as I know, she did not believe in God. And I cry for her. I'm sure her family loved her, and told her so. But did she know that she was loved? That she had a worth far above anything she could have imagined? That her pain and suffering would not have gone unnoticed by a God who watched His Son die on a terrible cross? I don't know if anyone ever told her this or if she would have listened had they done so.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this necessarily. It's more a stream-of-consciousness thought process of what I've been thinking. I just wonder where it will all end. If Brittany chose to kill herself because of her suffering (and the culture at large applauds her choice) where will it end?? This is why God can be the only author of life. When He chooses, and the choice is removed from our hands, there are no widening lines. There are no what ifs. There's no wondering if this person is suffering too much, or this baby has too many defects. We are not capable of deciding something so vastly eternal. Our minds are far too finite to grasp what it is that we're playing at.

I honestly have not decided whether Brittany was 'courageous' or 'cowardly'. Everything within me weeps for this girl. For the choice she felt she had to make and the horrific disease that would have claimed her anyway. There is nothing not tragic about this story.

Right now I am leaving her in the hands of an all-knowing, loving God. And I am so, so thankful that He knows and He loves.

A good, bad week.

Summer is over, but what a lovely summer it was! Anyone who knows me, knows that summer and I do not get along. But this summer was the first summer I have truly enjoyed since I was a kid. Normally I am gunning for it to be over already; this year I was sad to see it go and could have used another two weeks to relax. I wonder if it's because it was our first summer of being homeschoolers. Just the idea that we could all sleep in, get up at our leisure, and not have to pull out the books, made summer seem like dream-land.

Anyway, now we've started up homeschooling again. Fun summer aside, it was nice to get back to a routine and dive into some new books. Plus I am teaching someone to read for the very first time in my life and how exciting (overwhelming) is that?!

Our first week of school was good, but we've been facing some country-life obstacles, which kind of cast a dark shadow over our week. On Monday, we realized that our water pressure was getting weak. And then the water altogether disappeared. On Tuesday, the plumber came and diagnosed the problem: a broken water pressure tank. On Wednesday, he ordered a new tank from the big city (AKA Halifax). On Thursday, he came and replaced it.... BUT come to find out, not only did our pressure tank need replacing, but we actually have no water left in our well. For a city girl like me, who has always had on-demand water, this was a shock. So all week, when we had no water and thought it was our pressure tank, I held out hope for when it was fixed and I could finally tackle those mountains of laundry and dishes. Finding out that there's actually no water was crushing. I didn't know the summer had been that dry. I was really, really low last night.

You can tell me that it's a first-world problem and I will agree with you. You can tell me that I am a complainer and I should just rally and do what needs to be done (ie. dragging water up from the creek, boiling it, and washing dishes in it). You can tell me I need to be supportive of my stressed husband and not harping and whining. I will agree with all of that. But it was so hard to rally, to not complain and whine. I am a girl who leads a simple, quiet life. Anything out of the ordinary rocks my boat. Sometimes even tips it over. I'm ashamed of that, but there it is.

So all of that to say: it has been a good/bad week. Good to get back to the groove, bad because I realize that my attitude still needs so much changing. Just when you think you've gotten a handle on some things, you realize you really haven't made much progress at all.

I will leave you with these first-day-of-school pictures.

Baby girl turns FIVE!

Wow, Amelia girl, I cannot believe you are FIVE today!! 

I never was one to dream of having a girl, in fact I was pretty sure you were another boy while you were in my belly. But I don't think I ever could have dreamed how amazing my little girl would be! You fill our hearts and lives with so much joy. Your gentle girliness, your kind heart and love of beauty have taught me so much. It might sound selfish, but you understand me in a way the boys don't. I see you noticing me and my moods, picking up on nuances that the guys in our home don't see. This challenges me to behave in a way I want you to emulate, but also it comforts me to think of us as friends. 

I could go on and on, but I just want to say I just really love you! I'm so glad you were born into our family and that you're you! Happy birthday, special girl!

Uncertainty.

The last three weeks have been some of the scariest of my life. It started with some numbness that I'd been having, then a trip to the doctor, and now some tests looming in my future. I don't really want to talk about all of that; my doctor is not too concerned but it's always better to be on the safe side. What I do want to talk about is how I've been feeling mentally and emotionally.

If there's one thing I've realized, it's that life can change in an instant. One day you're fine; the next you're having odd symptoms. Life is uncertain, but somehow when things are going well, it's easy to forget how very fragile we all are. My nature is such that when anything out of the ordinary happens, I feel terrified. The future looms so dark and ominous and nothing feels right or certain. I think health issues are among the scariest things in life, because it's so beyond our control. That feeling of not being in control is not a nice one. 

But the thing is, even when life is going well, it's not going well because I'm in control. It's going well because God has seen fit to bless me with a season of relative calm. It's not because I'm holding tightly to the reins of safety and health and happiness. Rather, these things are all gifts and they can all be taken away at any given moment. 

I started off these three weeks feeling dread like I've never felt before. I've wept. I've lost weight (not a bad thing, haha!) and I've prayed. Long and hard. Lest you think I've gained such insight in a brief three week period, let me tell you that these last weeks have never felt so long. It feels like half a year has passed since the end of May. I have battled in my heart so endlessly that I am tired of it. But here is what I've learned:

1. God is still God. In still being God, this means He still loves me, He still knows the future, and He knows the number of my days. Whatever path I have walk down, He knows it already.

2. I am not promised tomorrow. None of us are. I am given today as a precious gift and it is up to me to be thankful and enjoy it. 

3. God's strength is more than sufficient for today, just like He promised. (Imagine that.) 

4. When I wake up in the morning, I am breathing, walking, and able to care for my family, and I praise Him for that. All of those things are blessings from His hand, and I would do well to thank Him. No sense wasting a perfectly good day of His grace, with fretting and worrying about an unknown future.

5. His joy and peace are still there for the taking, even when I feel scared. When I rest in the fact that He loves me and has my best in mind, I have no need to fear. Whatever health issues await me in the future, I know He will be there. 

When life feels uncertain, it makes you appreciate the blessings all the more. In the past, I have (shamefully) uttered the words, "I hate my life!" in moments of frustration. I can tell you right now, I will never say that again. I love my life. My husband and kids have never felt more precious to me. I love my beautiful home and our new property in the country. I am so deeply thankful for all these amazing gifts I've been given. And today, while I still have it, I am choosing to drink in the joy that is still there. He is still here and has never, will never, let me go.

Nine.

Dear Nicholas,

This past week at the grocery store, you helped me load the groceries into the trunk and took the cart back to the cart corral. All without me having to ask you, you just did it. You are becoming such a dependable boy. It makes me want to cry to think of how mature you're becoming and yet I am so proud of you!

All those tantrums you threw, all the tears Mommy shed for you... I just cannot believe that we are here, on the brink of you being a teenager. I know that we still have such a long road ahead of us, and I know that many more of our tears will fall. It won't be easy, but right now? Right now I can see what kind of man you will be. And I know that with God's help you are going to be just fine.

The person that made up the phrase "the days are long but the years are short" was so right. There used to be days when I honestly did not think we'd make it 5:00 that evening. But we did. And here we are.

So as you start out on your tenth year of life, know that Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you. Never forget that Jesus loves you. No matter what the next eight - nine years brings us, no matter where you go in life, remember that you can rest in His love. After all, He's brought us this far.

Love you, baby boy. Happy ninth birthday.

940.

In less than two weeks, my biggest boy will be turning nine. NINE. The other day I read somewhere that we have 940 Saturdays with our kids from the time they are born to the time they leave home at eighteen. Nine-hundred-forty. That means I am halfway through those Saturdays and have a mere 470 left. Can somebody please stop time?

I cannot believe I am starting the second half of parenting him. I know I will always be his mom, but once he turns eighteen, he no longer needs to listen to me. The shaping, nurturing, molding will be done. Have I done a good enough job? Will I do a good enough job?

It's such a tremendously overwhelming challenge to bring up a child. How on earth is one set of failing parents expected to raise, teach, train and impart wisdom to a child who is impressionable, and comes with no manual?

I know that I have failed and floundered so very much in the last nine years. I don't know if I did anything right. I can see progress and glimpses of maturity, but I honestly think that's more about who he is as a person than how I've been as a mom. If I could go back in time, would I yell less? Would I have more patience? Would I freak out over messes and poopy pants? I'd like to say I'd be calmer but I really don't know. I just know that those days never felt like they'd end.

And now here I am. On the brink of nine more years to teach my boy. Can it really only be nine more years? I know from experience that they are going to fly by. So I feel renewed courage and strength to cherish each day with him. To drink in his utter preciousness. To guide and counsel, extend grace and mercy. To yell less and listen more.

I love you, baby boy.

When you love someone, you'll sacrifice

You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice

You'd risk it all, no matter what may come

When you love someone

- Bryan Adams

Last week, I tweeted this: Jesus loves us too much to let us stay wallowing in our sins. His love is exacting, challenging, perfecting.

I feel like I need to talk about something that is completely out of my depth. I feel inept, small and not at all able. But it's been burning in my heart and soul so I feel like I need to try. I got so angry last week and I wasn't really sure why. Time has brought a bit of clarity and I feel like trying to tackle it here.

If you spend any amount of time on the internet (and I do) it is very soon that you'll see a large group of people who call themselves 'Progressive Christians'. These are mainly young people who have left mainstream evangelicalism and although they still bear the name of Christ, they are changing their views on lots of things that they were raised to believe. Things like h.om.ose.xual.ity, gender roles in the church, heaven/hell, the Rapture, the Lord's supper, etc. These young people are leaving mainstream Christianity in droves for reasons that I believe are the direct fault of the way our churches have become. (I'm saying 'our'  - meaning North America - because I believe that although the States is much bigger than Canada, especially in regards to Christianity, the trend encompasses both countries.)

I think some of their reasons for leaving have merit: For example, one person I read about had left because he was so disillusioned by the worship services and how they were less like worship and more like concerts. (So, so telling.) Also, a lot of these young people have experienced spiritual abuse, physical abuse and more. They have not seen Christ's love played out in their homes, they haven't seen Him in their churches. So I honestly do believe that the failure of the church at large is at fault for why so many young people are leaving. We've gotten away from what the Bible really teaches. We've forgotten how to speak the truth in love. We no longer know what it means to sift doctrine, and rightly divide the word of truth. Basically, we've moved away from God. It is disheartening at best, horrifying at worst.

But regardless of their reasons for leaving, instead of truth-seeking and turning to God's word, they are building a new religion. I feel like it should be called the Religion of the Apostates. They call themselves Christians but they believe in the opposite of what Christ taught. He taught love, and they claim that is what they are teaching too. "We only need His love," they say. "MY Jesus never condemned anyone but Pharisees!" one said. Like they have the edge on Jesus or something. Like they aren't breathing their very breath only by His ever-lasting grace. They're right that He never condemned anyone but Pharisees, but what they're forgetting is that He also never let anyone wallow in their sins. He told people to 'go and sin no more'. He expected them to move away from their sins into the goodness of His grace.

They're explaining away basic truth, like women having a spoken role in church. They're scoffing at the Rapture. They believe in evolution. They believe that everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, should be accepted. (I'm not speaking here of loving all people. I believe that each human being is loved by God and deserving of respect and love from all of us. I'm speaking here of people who call themselves Christians but practice alternative lifestyles at the same time.) They explain away all verses on immorality to fit their needs. They align themselves with the world-view of our culture: Anything goes, whatever makes you feel good, it's who you are. They're becoming something so far from Christ-like, but still paying lip service to Him, that I don't wonder if they are the whore of Babylon.

This is not Christianity. This is not what Jesus taught, nor Paul, but they don't really believe much that Paul said. Jesus taught us to love, yes. He also teaches us to walk away from sin, to make different choices, to act differently than the world. He was a radical in His day, but I don't see Christians being radicals. I see people being too afraid to speak up with the truth. I see a placating of sinners and making them look better. I see 'loving' people so much that they're being told it's okay to stay wallowing in the muck of their sin. I see making the word of God into a lie, and bending the truth to fit whatever whim and fancy. I see churches and pastors not willing to do much other than tickle people's ears.

It is really scary to me. And angering. And baffling. But one thing I do know, is that all this is not a surprise to God. All of this is happening according to His purposes of coming back and reigning in judgement. The world is on it's way to hell in a hand-basket, but I now believe that apostate Christians are the ones holding the handle and tossing it there.

But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. Romans 6:17, 18 

Also worth reading:
Romans 16:17-19
1 Timothy 6:3-5
2 Timothy 4:3-4

I am not enough. But it's more than okay.

A friend of mine recently reminded me of this Ann Voskamp post. It was so timely for me and I thought it was worth sharing here, in case anyone struggles with guilt like I do. 

I find it utterly terrifying that I am the only Jesus my kids see right now (besides their Daddy, but he's way better at it than me) on a regular basis. The guilt of not being Christlike weighs on me so heavily at times and I just don't know how my kids will ever see Him in me. There is too much wrong with me, and although I am working on it, I mess up more often than I should. And then the guilt comes and brings me down.

Here is a quote from the blog post, but I recommend reading the whole thing:

"Your sin can’t separate you (or your child) from Christ.

Your Father is bigger than your failures, your flesh and your faults.

And your strengths can’t save you (or your child) in Christ.

Your ego, your excellence and your efforts won’t ever be big enough to be a Savior.

Your sins aren’t enough to keep your child from God and your strengths aren’t enough to get your child to God.

Your sins aren’t enough to keep you from God and your strengths aren’t enough to get you to God.

Your sins aren’t enough to destroy your life and your strengths aren’t enough to determine your life.

Your sins aren’t enough to separate you – and your strengths aren’t enough to save you.

That’s the bottom line: Your sins aren’t enough and your strengths aren’t enough. You are not enough — for this parenting gig, this marriage relationship, this homeschooling year, this work project."

And, as she points out, this also applies to all aspects of life, not just parenting.

Be encouraged.

This and that.

Okay, jumping on the meme bandwagon. (Are they still called memes?) 

Anticipating - It's getting to be a cliche and I hear at least one person say it everyday but, honestly: Spring. Seriously. It's been a long, long winter. I stepped outside the other day and I smelled the first fresh hint of spring air. The moment didn't last of course, but oh it made me wish for spring! It's going to be beautiful around here, our first spring in the country! There were six robins in our yard this morning and I just can't wait for everything to start turning green again! 

Learning - How to teach my kids. It's not always easy, but I'm trying! Also, I feel like I'm learning right alongside them. Remembering things I learned in school, or learning things I never really knew. It's fun!

Listening to - The wind whistling around the corners of the house. It's a windy night and it's always especially windy here because of where we're situated. On a hill, with hills also in the distance, it seems like we're right smack in the middle of a wind tunnel. But it's okay. I love hearing it. 

Wearing - Comfy jammies right now. Best moment of the day is when the kids go to bed - not that I'm trying to get rid of them ;) - and I put on my own pajamas. 

Plotting - I'm not much of a dreamer and don't often have plans and ideas rolling around in my head. So for me, plotting to make a cup of tea is about all I can handle right now at the end of this long day. Sounds good though, doesn't it? 

And here is something else I've been listening to... Found this new-to-me artist the other day, promptly bought her new album and have listened to it on repeat ever since. This is my favourite and is one of the most beautiful songs that I've heard in a long time!!

Called to love.

I think born-again Christians can all agree that we are saved by grace alone. That none of us are going to heaven because of something special that we've done. I'm pretty sure that across the board, we'd all agree that the only thing ensuring our place in heaven is Jesus' blood.

So if we all agree that we've gotten saved by grace alone, why are we looking at others to see if what they 'do' fits our standard of godliness?

Why are women looking at others to see how they're planning/not planning their families?

Why are we looking at women to see how they're dressing/not dressing?

Why are we judging each others' choices to homeschool/public school?

Why are kids being taught to look at others as their measuring stick, or worse, looking to see if others measure up?

Why do we care what other people do?

I think it's our human tendency to not want to deal with the gross stuff in our own lives, but rather start picking at other people. And we all have junk in our lives, even the ones who pretend not to.
It's a way for us to feel superior. It makes us feel better about ourselves to think that we have it all together while others do not. That somehow, we've arrived at a holy place and now it's our God-given duty to ensure others are just as holy. Instead of examining what's in my own heart, it's easier to point fingers and tell others how they should be examining their hearts. It's an easy way for me to ignore the stuff in my own life that needs to be judged. Because let's face it, no matter how hard I try, I am never going to get anyone else to change. Not that I have the ability to really change myself either, but at least I can take my own junk to the Lord and let Him deal with it. I can't take anyone else's to the Lord for them. So if I'm truly concerned wouldn't the answer be to pray for them rather than trying to play the part of the Holy Spirit in their life?

I agree that if there is rampant sin in one's life, his/her friends must draw alongside to help. There can be accountability. There is bearing one another's burdens. I also believe that sharing our convictions is a good thing and a way to stir up others to think as well. Sometimes though, the spirit in which these convictions are shared does not always come from a place of love, but rather a place of judgment, a holier-than-thou attitude.

Where is the grace? The love?

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." 
John 13:35 

This was said after Jesus washed the disciples' feet. I wonder if He expects us to wash each others' feet rather than nitpicking over the trivialities? I feel like this is where Christians have truly failed and all of us are guilty. How can we really expect anything else from our rotten, human hearts?

If grace has carried us to the foot of the cross, to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, then this same grace is surely able to carry us through being transformed into His likeness. I believe this grace can also help us love each other as He loves.

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up..." 1 Thess. 5:11

It is what it is.

This day chewed me up and spit me out. By eleven o'clock this morning I was ready for the day to be over. Between me finally getting over being sick, two boys fighting colds, and a weekend of late nights and none of us were ready to face this day.

It wasn't pretty. My new-found 'finding my strength in God' was stretched to the limits today. It is terrifying to me the hideousness that lives in my own heart and what little things can make it bubble to the surface.

Some people in real life have asked me how homeschooling is going. The answer is so complicated and I'm never quite sure what to say. It's complicated, yes, but also quite simple at the same time. Simple because I wouldn't trade our homeschooling life for what we had before while doing public school. The over-reaching answer is that homeschooling is going great. I am still fully convinced that we're right where we're supposed to be. But life is never that easy and I don't like pat, happy answers.

Because the pat, happy answers don't explain how very convoluted and difficult our homeschooling mornings can be. Honestly, if anyone had a window into my life, they would think I was forty shades of crazy for signing up for this lifestyle.

My kids don't behave most days. I am a very non-creative person, and therefore do not really know how to make the work fun. Most of the time it's just getting through the work that needs to be done and not one thing more. I cajole, beg, bribe, threaten, cry, scream, jump off a bridge... just kidding. Well, only on the last one. :) My boys don't understand why work needs to be done. They feel like school is a waste of their precious time.

But. I fully believe that the Lord brought us here, and He has faithfully provided the grace that we all need each and every day.

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.

Psalm 139:3-6

Letting go.

I've finally learned the secret to stop yelling at my kids and it's this: There is no secret.

It's something I always knew of course. The Bible is full of verses like "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and lots of other ones about His strength being made perfect in weakness, etc. For some reason though, I still tried on my own.

I tried reining my own anger in.

I found my trigger points.

I talked myself through many a frustrating moment.

I kept myself accountable to someone.

I determined each day that I would not yell.

None of it worked. Are you surprised? If you look at all of the above sentences, they all start with "I". And in this, you can see that I was relying on my trying to stop yelling rather than relying on God's strength.

Somehow I always *knew* this in my head, that I was supposed to just let God do the dirty work. But there was a disconnect. A place inside of me that thought I still had to do something to make myself better.

Well, I am here to tell you that I am living proof that trying to better oneself will most assuredly not work.

The Lord is so very gracious. Through a couple of Christian ladies He finally hit home to me what He's been trying to tell me all along.

It started about a month ago, after a particularly horrible mommy moment with my kids. As they waited in the car for me, I stood in the kitchen and cried. I silently raged at God. (Yes, I did. If you tell me you never do I won't believe you.) I told Him in no uncertain terms that He had to do something to help me because I finally, finally realized that I could not do it anymore.

A little bit later I read the beginning of this blog series by a blogger whom I highly respect. She is a homeschooling mom of six and also struggles with lashing out at her kids. The point of her series on anger is to recognize in oneself the SIN of angry outbursts. But it was really her second post on the topic that really caught my eye. It's about letting Jesus change our hearts, rather than trying to modify our behaviour.

Although I really loved her posts, it still didn't fully sink in until a little bit later (last week in fact) that I was at my kids' swimming lessons and talking to another homeschool mom. She is a mom of eight and is very vibrant and vocal and did not beat around the bush about the fact that she struggles with letting her frustration pour out onto her kids. She said it wasn't until she realized that she couldn't do it that the Lord was able to start changing her.

It sounds so completely cliche but I literally had a light bulb moment. It really isn't about how hard I can try to be a better mom and to stop yelling. It is really about what God can do in my heart if I let Him.

Instead of waking up and determining not to yell that day, I get up and I say, "Lord, You change my heart. This day is yours. Give me strength." There is no more *try* in this girl. I have proven time and again over the last nearly nine years that I cannot do it. If I really want to become more like Jesus, then He has to transform me. Setting myself up with a list of rules and trying to follow them has only ever brought discouragement and tears and more frustration.

Maybe this is something you already know. But if you are wandering around like a blind person like I was, then maybe this will encourage you. 

How utterly freeing to let go and rest.

Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Slipping away.

I took a little walk down Memory Lane tonight with my kids, in the form of family pictures from a few years ago. A friend of mine started the whole thing when she tagged me in old Facebook pictures. The sight of my boys five years ago nearly made me weep. It was fun though, looking back and seeing how far we've come and knowing that we survived some hard things.

But the thing is, I never really realized before how very brief life is. When you're a child, a teenager, a thin, wrinkle-free bride and a young mom, you never think about the fact that at some point it's going to end. Life feels invincible and never-ending. One day though, you wake up as the mom of an almost nine-year-old, with two digits just around the corner and puberty not too far away. You see yourself in the mirror and you realize that wrinkles are starting to appear where before none existed. You find a stray gray hair and you see your husband's hair thinning and graying and you think, Wow. We're actually getting older. That elusive aging that people always tell you about, it's really happening.

Now, I do realize that I am only thirty-three and therefore still very young, but still. Somehow the brevity of life is hitting me more now than it ever did before. I cannot believe how fast these years of mothering have gone by. Some days I honestly never thought we'd make it but somewhere along the way, the years slipped by. And, this is why I know the next eight years are going to go by just as fast.

I am seeing the fact that I only have ten to fifteen more years left with my kids, to teach and train and live with on a daily basis. Then I will have to let them go and let them fly. I see this and it terrifies me. This life, this moment, will end.

Tonight I said to my husband that I wish I could go back, back to the two little blonde boys who caused me to feel so tired and worn out. I wish I could go back and hold them and tell them I'm sorry for all the times I yelled and did it wrong. I just wish that I had known then what I know now. I wish I had done it better. My husband, wisely, brought the boys to me and said, Here they are. Tell them now. Hug them now.

All I have is today. No more yesterday. Tomorrow is not here yet. Today is my chance to get it right. Today is the day that I have to pull them close and tell them I love them. To choose not to yell but to speak with patience in my voice. And by the grace of God, maybe I will start to get it right.

Taking heart.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

One really wonderful thing about Jesus is that He never brushes over things lightly. He never really makes things look better than they actually are. You know the kind of beating around the bush stuff we are prone to, the little white lies we tell ourselves and others to make everyone feel good. Rather than Him saying, "You know, it's possible trouble could come your way," or "You might have some trouble," He just states the bare fact: You WILL have trouble in this world. And because Jesus is God, and God can't lie, we had better take Him at His word. As long as we live on this broken planet, we WILL have trouble.

This trouble comes in so many forms and is different for everyone. A broken marriage, a sick parent, a spouse or child who dies too soon. An unfaithful spouse, a wayward son or daughter, financial woes. The list could go on endlessly. There is not one person alive who is not touched by some sort of tribulation or trial. It is inevitable. Even the inward stuff, like the ongoing battle with sin in our lives and our own failings and messes wreak havoc on us. There is just no escaping it. The older I get, the more I see it.

Thankfully, Jesus is also a big fan of the word "but". And if it was not for that one little word, we could all just go crawl in a hole right now. "But take heart," He says. "I have overcome the world." He is not afraid to tell us that we are going to face trouble, because He knows that He's taking care of it all. It is all in His hands. Not only is it in His hands, but He's overcome it. Anything we face, He's faced the pain of it already, and far more excruciatingly than we ever will. This is why He can tell us to take heart. He went through the pit of hell and is now joyfully in heaven.

Without this hope that world has been overcome, the hope of heaven on the horizon, I do not believe I would be able to get up each morning.

Songs.

I've had some new songs on my playlist for the last little while and thought I would share. I am not a music buff by any stretch of the imagination. I could not tell you who is in the top ten of anything. I'm mostly into Contemporary Christian Music, but I only pick songs that I love listening to over and over. I rarely buy a whole album of any artist. 

Here are a few that I've been enjoying:

Glorious Day by Casting Crowns

This song is a modern take on an old, well-loved hymn. And I love it. 

Broken Together also by Casting Crowns

This is a song about marriage. It talks about the difficulty that a long-term relationship can be and is hauntingly beautiful.

Overcomer by Mandisa

This is a peppy, get-me-through-the-day kind of song. The one I turn on when I need motivation to sweep or do dishes. It's a perfect mom-song. Love it.

Amazing Grace by Il Divo
This is not CCM obviously and I'm not even really that into Il Divo, but their rendition of one of my faves is well worth the listen!

I feel like a regular pioneer.

Before we moved, last fall when our townhouse first went on the market, one of our kids really struggled with the thought of leaving the place he'd always called home. One night, when the feeling was new, we cried together in his bedroom. Rather, I blubbered and he tried to act brave. :) I tried to explain to him that what we would be leaving behind were just four walls. The important things, we'd be taking those with us. And even more than things, the people that make our home would be going too. Still, it's hard to imagine until it actually happens... The unknown is always scary. 

Here we are, more than four months later, and I can honestly say, this place is starting to feel like home. Truly, four walls are just four walls. The essence of our home is the people in it. And for that, I am extraordinarily thankful.

How quickly the weather changes where we live!

This is our basement rec room where we officially do school...

And the dining room is where we most often end up during the day...

And this is where Mommy goes when she needs a break...

We're starting to feel settled and like we've always been here.

Helpful books.

The other day I was discussing parenting with my sister and I told her to take all her parenting books and have a bonfire. Then, I told her to never pick up another one unless I've recommended it because I know from hard-won experience which ones are helpful, inspiring and edifying. So, I thought I would compile a list of the books that were pivotal in shaping how I parent, or more accurately, how I view parenting. When I first became a mom, I thought there was a formula to follow that would spit out perfectly behaved children. Three children later (including a very, very strong-willed one) and I am no longer under any illusions. I've come to discover that all you can do is 1. love your child with your whole self and 2. keep pointing them to Christ, while storming the gates of heaven for them. Really. That's it. Training and discipline have their place for sure. But I've found that in the world, and specifically in Christian circles, methods of parenting are almost held up as idols. It's really truly disheartening and for a new mom, downright depressing. If I've come to discover anything, it's that there is no one-size-fits all way to do things for every family. The way we raise our kids will be as different and unique as we are. It's about finding what works for your own family.

So, what do these books in my list have in common? Well, first of all none of them claim to have found God's only holy way of parenting. Second, they inspire and encourage and point a parent in the only direction that is helpful - towards God - and not to some elusive method.

In no particular order:

Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson
- I am just reading this book for the first time now, and how I heartily wish I'd had it eight years ago when I was just starting out!! It's message would have been music to my ears.

One Thing: Top Tip (from a mom of six) by Jess Connell
- This one is specifically geared to new moms and I found it to be super helpful, even though I read it as a more seasoned mom. But the one tip she gives is truly the one tip you need.

Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas
- This book focused on how parenting changes the parent and resonated so much with me. I've felt for so long that God is doing so much to change me through my kids and I just felt the author nailed it.

Hope for the Weary Mom: Where God Meets You in Your Mess by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin
- I cried buckets when I read this book. It came at such a timely place in my journey and was probably the beginning of the road I started to take in my approach to parenting a year or two ago.

Am I Messing Up My Kids? by Lysa TerKeurst
- This book is in the style of a Bible study, with questions and Bible passages to read at the end of every chapter. It was just what my bruised heart needed to start healing from some past regrets.

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Gary Chapman
- This book is not necessarily geared to parenting, but it talks about how to manage one's own anger (as a parent) and there is a chapter on helping children deal with anger. As someone who struggles with anger and with a child who has this issue as well, I found this book super helpful.

These are the books I can think of off the top of my head. I will keep adding to it as I think of more.

What will I do with today?

Today I babysat a two-year-old and it's amazing to me that I have utterly forgotten what it's like to have a toddler. There is a special kind of tired that comes with having a child that young in the house. When I was in that stage a few years ago with my kids, I remember that it seemed like the days would never end. And then eventually, the years pass and now here I am with school-age children and life feels easier. It isn't that we don't ever have problems and I am certainly tired still, but it's different. Easier. I don't have to have that constant piece of myself tuned into 'what is the toddler doing now' mode.

I reminisced a lot today with myself, thinking back to those brief years that seemed so long at the time. When I think about it, there is a lot of regret in my heart. Some things and situations just felt so tough and I handled them so badly. Looking back though, I wonder how much of it was just my expectations that made everything seem so hard. For example, I expected my two year old to behave like the boys I knew who were four years older than he was. Automatic fail. I was too hard on him and when I think about it now, it breaks my heart. I fear so deeply that the issues we face today are a direct result of how high my expectations for him were. I wish so much that I could have just let him be who he was.

This seriously haunts me. Recently I read a book by Lysa TerKeurst called, 'Am I Messing Up My Kids?' The Lord used it to start healing my heart, as she reminded me that God's grace covers it all, even the horrible mom moments. She spoke a lot of Psalm 103 and as I read the Psalm over and over again, I clung to it. I still do. Guilt is so paralysing but I do not have to hold onto it. I can let it go and remember that God has it covered. All of it will be worked out for my good, and my kids'. I can learn from it and keep it at the forefront, not to berate myself, but to help me be a better mom now. I cannot have yesterday back but I have today. God is taking care of all my yesterdays, tomorrows, and He is with me today too.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children... Psalm 103:11-17

Quiet strength.

I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

who made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1

Sitting in my quiet living room, looking out my window at the vast beauty, I cannot help but think of the Creator. In the deep corners of my heart, I question Him. Through His word He answers: My grace is sufficient for you. I am so thankful for the view out my window and the reminder that God is here. 

A new year, a new home.

Tonight I am sitting on my brand new leather couch - my treat for following my hubby to the boonies :) - listening to the rain being pelted against the windows by extremely strong wind, in my cozy little country house. We've been here since the 7th and in some ways, it feels like we've been here forever. 

Most people are surprised when they hear that I, Laura, am now living in the country. It is weird, even to me. I am one who likes to have the comforts of city life and would probably classify myself as a city girl. I'm not sure when I changed, or what changed me, but I do think that God had more than a little to do with it. Ever since Lucas and I got married twelve years ago, he's been discussing and dreaming of one day moving away from the city and specifically, finding a little property in the country. I don't know, I guess my mind and heart gradually accepted that this could be a very real possibility. And somewhere along the way, his dream became mine. And so, here I sit and I feel nothing less than content. 

I actually look back in awe at the last few months, starting back in June when we decided to homeschool. It seriously has God's fingerprints all over it. As I've explained it to a couple people already, it just feels like it was taken out of our hands and we were just going along for the ride. Even the little things I worried about, especially one child in particular who was less than thrilled at the thought of moving, have been graciously taken care of. It's like He's saying to me, "See? You had nothing to worry about. All that fretting? I had it under control all along." 

I think there is a reason for us to be out here. Many reasons, maybe. For one, I think it is going to do the kids a world of good to have a large property to grow up on. It opens the door for many different and new possibilities. Some exciting (wood stoves, 4H clubs, beautiful skylines) some less so (dead mice by the front porch, hot water that sometimes runs out, the commute to the city) but either way I'm sure we will do lots of stretching and growing here. For the better.

So, here I am. A country girl. I'm sure I will have lots of stories to tell so stay tuned :)