The first time I saw his picture, he was leaning his head against a court room wall, weeping. The other day I saw him again, from the pages of a newspaper, and this time I saw his eyes. How they haunt me. I can't stop thinking about them, about him. He is eighteen-years-old. He should be planning his future, enrolling into university, getting a part-time job, deciding whether to study business or science. Instead, he is in court, being tried for second-degree murder. His eyes. I cannot describe to you what I see there. Confusion. Fear. Unfathomable pain. Prison is only going to make him worse, ruin him forever.
I can't stand it sometimes. The older I get, the more I see how wretched our world really is. I feel like I could buckle under the weight of all the hurting people, the hurting kids. Who is going to tell them about the hope they can find in Jesus? How will this boy ever know that there is Someone who loves him?
I don't know why I felt compelled to write about this. It just got me thinking about so many things. About him. About pain and hope. About life and what it all means. Mostly I started thinking about my own kids, in this case my boys, especially. What can I do as a mom to ensure this never happens to them? I don't think, honestly, that there is anything I could ever do to stop my boys from rebelling. They are going to make their own choices and make their own mistakes and learn from them, hopefully.
I feel like a broken record saying this, but all I can do is teach them, point them to the Lord and pray for them. There are no guarantees in this life. The only thing that I can do as a mom is my very best, and then trust the Lord for their futures. They are in His hands and that is the very best place for them to be!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Book review - Made to Crave.
I just finished up a book called "Made to Crave: Satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food" by Lysa TerKeurst. You can see it here. The book is about how all of us are created with a deep craving or thirst for God, but how most of us try to fill it up with other things. In the author's case, her weakness was food, so the book was mostly about her struggle with food and how she found victory over her eating habits and uses what she puts in her mouth to keep her in dependence on God.
This book opened my eyes in a lot of ways. First, it made me realize how much food really is an idol in my life and how much I really do literally crave things that are not good for me. I also have come to the realization that this is one area of life that is not talked about much. Most of us would look with disdain (hopefully compassion?) on the alcoholic, the person addicted to shopping, the anorexic, the drug abuser, the porn addict. What this book talked about, and what I have come to believe, is that food can become an addiction, even an idol for some people. And if that is the case, and I am one of those people, then I am no better than any of the above mentioned souls. All of us have something with which we are trying to satisfy ourselves. If it isn't food, it's something else. Very few individuals are actually filling their void with God. I think though, because food is essential to our survival as human beings, it's easy to cover up the fact that some of us have become gluttons.
Lysa explores her deep struggles with food, trying to lose weight, her failure in that area, and comes to the conclusion that it isn't about a number on a scale, but it's about giving that huge struggle to God and realizing she never could, in her own strength, get rid of the hold food had on her life. She chooses to see this weakness inside of herself as a way for her to keep falling at Jesus' feet.
I really, really liked this book. I cannot say enough about it and will probably recommend it to anyone who wants to listen. It really opened my eyes to a lot that is wrong in my life and gave me lots of food (no pun intended!) for thought. One thing though? The more I read, the more I craved. Maybe feeling overwhelmed makes me want to eat... I think I ate a whole bag of peanut M&M's while reading it. Thereby proving her point I guess...
This book opened my eyes in a lot of ways. First, it made me realize how much food really is an idol in my life and how much I really do literally crave things that are not good for me. I also have come to the realization that this is one area of life that is not talked about much. Most of us would look with disdain (hopefully compassion?) on the alcoholic, the person addicted to shopping, the anorexic, the drug abuser, the porn addict. What this book talked about, and what I have come to believe, is that food can become an addiction, even an idol for some people. And if that is the case, and I am one of those people, then I am no better than any of the above mentioned souls. All of us have something with which we are trying to satisfy ourselves. If it isn't food, it's something else. Very few individuals are actually filling their void with God. I think though, because food is essential to our survival as human beings, it's easy to cover up the fact that some of us have become gluttons.
Lysa explores her deep struggles with food, trying to lose weight, her failure in that area, and comes to the conclusion that it isn't about a number on a scale, but it's about giving that huge struggle to God and realizing she never could, in her own strength, get rid of the hold food had on her life. She chooses to see this weakness inside of herself as a way for her to keep falling at Jesus' feet.
I really, really liked this book. I cannot say enough about it and will probably recommend it to anyone who wants to listen. It really opened my eyes to a lot that is wrong in my life and gave me lots of food (no pun intended!) for thought. One thing though? The more I read, the more I craved. Maybe feeling overwhelmed makes me want to eat... I think I ate a whole bag of peanut M&M's while reading it. Thereby proving her point I guess...
Monday, April 23, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
I think one of the biggest misconceptions I had about parenting was that I somehow have the power to change my kids. I don't doubt for a minute that I am the biggest influence in their lives, and that as their mother I am shaping them to be a certain way in life. (Scary.) But I always thought that I was put here to change them. That somehow, if I learned the right formula, or said the right words, or disciplined them in exactly the right way, that they would change. That somehow I could discipline the sin right out of them.
I don't think I am stupid for thinking this, when there are books out there that claim they have figured out "God's way" to parent (which, by the way, only makes me feel as though I am not raising them God's way) and others who say there are "five simple steps to behaving children." I've talked to parents who make me feel like if I had only trained them properly from the time they were born, I wouldn't be dealing with temper tantrums, and back-talking, and all the other sinful behaviour that their kids don't have.
Forgive me if I sound cynical; I really don't mean to be. But I have slowly been discovering that I cannot and will not change my children. It is humanly impossible for me to do so. Yes, I can give them the tools they need to learn how to manage their anger. I can teach them how to exhibit self-control in their lives. I can teach them not to hit, not to yell, not to be mean. I have no doubt, like I said before, that what I teach them now, will stay with them forever.
But that deep-seated sin that is so prevalent in their lives, and in mine, I will never get it out of them. That is something only God can do. He is the only one who can save them. I will not, even though I would like to, save my kids. The sin that they have inside of them now, will always be there to haunt them. Even if (when!) the Lord saves them, they are still going to be wrestling with their sinful behaviours. The anger they feel now will still be felt when they are adults. The jealousy and sarcasm and laziness that afflict them now will still be afflicting them when they are older.
I think the most I can do as a mom is teach them what I know. I can teach them how to deal with all of the things that most of us deal with on a daily basis. I can only point them to the Lord, remind them that He is their Saviour. I can pray, pray, pray for them, but I cannot and will not ever be able to do what only the Lord can do.
I realize I've written about this very thing before, but it's an ongoing struggle/journey with me.
I don't think I am stupid for thinking this, when there are books out there that claim they have figured out "God's way" to parent (which, by the way, only makes me feel as though I am not raising them God's way) and others who say there are "five simple steps to behaving children." I've talked to parents who make me feel like if I had only trained them properly from the time they were born, I wouldn't be dealing with temper tantrums, and back-talking, and all the other sinful behaviour that their kids don't have.
Forgive me if I sound cynical; I really don't mean to be. But I have slowly been discovering that I cannot and will not change my children. It is humanly impossible for me to do so. Yes, I can give them the tools they need to learn how to manage their anger. I can teach them how to exhibit self-control in their lives. I can teach them not to hit, not to yell, not to be mean. I have no doubt, like I said before, that what I teach them now, will stay with them forever.
But that deep-seated sin that is so prevalent in their lives, and in mine, I will never get it out of them. That is something only God can do. He is the only one who can save them. I will not, even though I would like to, save my kids. The sin that they have inside of them now, will always be there to haunt them. Even if (when!) the Lord saves them, they are still going to be wrestling with their sinful behaviours. The anger they feel now will still be felt when they are adults. The jealousy and sarcasm and laziness that afflict them now will still be afflicting them when they are older.
I think the most I can do as a mom is teach them what I know. I can teach them how to deal with all of the things that most of us deal with on a daily basis. I can only point them to the Lord, remind them that He is their Saviour. I can pray, pray, pray for them, but I cannot and will not ever be able to do what only the Lord can do.
I realize I've written about this very thing before, but it's an ongoing struggle/journey with me.
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