What will I do with today?

Today I babysat a two-year-old and it's amazing to me that I have utterly forgotten what it's like to have a toddler. There is a special kind of tired that comes with having a child that young in the house. When I was in that stage a few years ago with my kids, I remember that it seemed like the days would never end. And then eventually, the years pass and now here I am with school-age children and life feels easier. It isn't that we don't ever have problems and I am certainly tired still, but it's different. Easier. I don't have to have that constant piece of myself tuned into 'what is the toddler doing now' mode.

I reminisced a lot today with myself, thinking back to those brief years that seemed so long at the time. When I think about it, there is a lot of regret in my heart. Some things and situations just felt so tough and I handled them so badly. Looking back though, I wonder how much of it was just my expectations that made everything seem so hard. For example, I expected my two year old to behave like the boys I knew who were four years older than he was. Automatic fail. I was too hard on him and when I think about it now, it breaks my heart. I fear so deeply that the issues we face today are a direct result of how high my expectations for him were. I wish so much that I could have just let him be who he was.

This seriously haunts me. Recently I read a book by Lysa TerKeurst called, 'Am I Messing Up My Kids?' The Lord used it to start healing my heart, as she reminded me that God's grace covers it all, even the horrible mom moments. She spoke a lot of Psalm 103 and as I read the Psalm over and over again, I clung to it. I still do. Guilt is so paralysing but I do not have to hold onto it. I can let it go and remember that God has it covered. All of it will be worked out for my good, and my kids'. I can learn from it and keep it at the forefront, not to berate myself, but to help me be a better mom now. I cannot have yesterday back but I have today. God is taking care of all my yesterdays, tomorrows, and He is with me today too.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children... Psalm 103:11-17