Heaviness.

I have not been here in a great long while. Not sure why. It could be because I don't have access to our desktop computer very often or because I broke my laptop (long story). Maybe I have not been feeling inspired. I am not sure. But because I am writer at heart, when something is eating away at me, it must come out. I must write it down or it does not go away.

Tonight, my heart and mind are heavy with the news of Brittany Maynard's death. You've probably already heard her story many times over, so I will not get into it here. (But follow this link if you haven't heard.)

Nothing in me can fathom the utter tragedy of this girl's life and death. Nothing in a long time has affected me quite this much. I think it is because there was no easy answer, maybe? The fact that she chose to end her life, while tragic in and of itself, is not the whole story. If she'd chosen to die naturally, she would have died a horrific death. Don't get me wrong, I am not condoning her choice at all. Everything within me rebels against the fact that she committed suicide. What I do find hard to wrap my mind around is that I have not walked in her shoes and therefore faced a horrendous diagnosis. I haven't been there, and I haven't been there without God. She was staring a horror in the face and she did not have God at her side. This is what makes me weep.

Brittany grew up in a culture, as most of us in first world countries have, where life is expendable. If a fetus has a defect, you get rid of it. Euthanasia is not far from our minds. We came from monkeys after all and have been taught that we are no better than animals. We are worthless pieces of dust that mean nothing. This is what our culture has embraced, although not in such blunt terms. It is all disguised under pretty terms like 'abortion' and 'evolution'. In Tim Keller's book "Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering" he talks about how our culture is the worst culture for dealing with hardship and suffering. We are told that suffering means nothing and therefore must be erased. The general consensus is that I must be happy at all times, and whatever/whoever does not make me so, then they can take a hike. He points out that Christianity is the only viewpoint that holds that not only should suffering be endured (think Jesus on the cross) but that there is great reward in it (think Jesus in heaven). It is the only religion that offers hope in the midst of pain, hope of heaven and eternal life.

Brittany didn't know this. As far as I know, she did not believe in God. And I cry for her. I'm sure her family loved her, and told her so. But did she know that she was loved? That she had a worth far above anything she could have imagined? That her pain and suffering would not have gone unnoticed by a God who watched His Son die on a terrible cross? I don't know if anyone ever told her this or if she would have listened had they done so.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this necessarily. It's more a stream-of-consciousness thought process of what I've been thinking. I just wonder where it will all end. If Brittany chose to kill herself because of her suffering (and the culture at large applauds her choice) where will it end?? This is why God can be the only author of life. When He chooses, and the choice is removed from our hands, there are no widening lines. There are no what ifs. There's no wondering if this person is suffering too much, or this baby has too many defects. We are not capable of deciding something so vastly eternal. Our minds are far too finite to grasp what it is that we're playing at.

I honestly have not decided whether Brittany was 'courageous' or 'cowardly'. Everything within me weeps for this girl. For the choice she felt she had to make and the horrific disease that would have claimed her anyway. There is nothing not tragic about this story.

Right now I am leaving her in the hands of an all-knowing, loving God. And I am so, so thankful that He knows and He loves.