Nine.

Dear Nicholas,

This past week at the grocery store, you helped me load the groceries into the trunk and took the cart back to the cart corral. All without me having to ask you, you just did it. You are becoming such a dependable boy. It makes me want to cry to think of how mature you're becoming and yet I am so proud of you!

All those tantrums you threw, all the tears Mommy shed for you... I just cannot believe that we are here, on the brink of you being a teenager. I know that we still have such a long road ahead of us, and I know that many more of our tears will fall. It won't be easy, but right now? Right now I can see what kind of man you will be. And I know that with God's help you are going to be just fine.

The person that made up the phrase "the days are long but the years are short" was so right. There used to be days when I honestly did not think we'd make it 5:00 that evening. But we did. And here we are.

So as you start out on your tenth year of life, know that Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you. Never forget that Jesus loves you. No matter what the next eight - nine years brings us, no matter where you go in life, remember that you can rest in His love. After all, He's brought us this far.

Love you, baby boy. Happy ninth birthday.

940.

In less than two weeks, my biggest boy will be turning nine. NINE. The other day I read somewhere that we have 940 Saturdays with our kids from the time they are born to the time they leave home at eighteen. Nine-hundred-forty. That means I am halfway through those Saturdays and have a mere 470 left. Can somebody please stop time?

I cannot believe I am starting the second half of parenting him. I know I will always be his mom, but once he turns eighteen, he no longer needs to listen to me. The shaping, nurturing, molding will be done. Have I done a good enough job? Will I do a good enough job?

It's such a tremendously overwhelming challenge to bring up a child. How on earth is one set of failing parents expected to raise, teach, train and impart wisdom to a child who is impressionable, and comes with no manual?

I know that I have failed and floundered so very much in the last nine years. I don't know if I did anything right. I can see progress and glimpses of maturity, but I honestly think that's more about who he is as a person than how I've been as a mom. If I could go back in time, would I yell less? Would I have more patience? Would I freak out over messes and poopy pants? I'd like to say I'd be calmer but I really don't know. I just know that those days never felt like they'd end.

And now here I am. On the brink of nine more years to teach my boy. Can it really only be nine more years? I know from experience that they are going to fly by. So I feel renewed courage and strength to cherish each day with him. To drink in his utter preciousness. To guide and counsel, extend grace and mercy. To yell less and listen more.

I love you, baby boy.

When you love someone, you'll sacrifice

You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice

You'd risk it all, no matter what may come

When you love someone

- Bryan Adams

Last week, I tweeted this: Jesus loves us too much to let us stay wallowing in our sins. His love is exacting, challenging, perfecting.

I feel like I need to talk about something that is completely out of my depth. I feel inept, small and not at all able. But it's been burning in my heart and soul so I feel like I need to try. I got so angry last week and I wasn't really sure why. Time has brought a bit of clarity and I feel like trying to tackle it here.

If you spend any amount of time on the internet (and I do) it is very soon that you'll see a large group of people who call themselves 'Progressive Christians'. These are mainly young people who have left mainstream evangelicalism and although they still bear the name of Christ, they are changing their views on lots of things that they were raised to believe. Things like h.om.ose.xual.ity, gender roles in the church, heaven/hell, the Rapture, the Lord's supper, etc. These young people are leaving mainstream Christianity in droves for reasons that I believe are the direct fault of the way our churches have become. (I'm saying 'our'  - meaning North America - because I believe that although the States is much bigger than Canada, especially in regards to Christianity, the trend encompasses both countries.)

I think some of their reasons for leaving have merit: For example, one person I read about had left because he was so disillusioned by the worship services and how they were less like worship and more like concerts. (So, so telling.) Also, a lot of these young people have experienced spiritual abuse, physical abuse and more. They have not seen Christ's love played out in their homes, they haven't seen Him in their churches. So I honestly do believe that the failure of the church at large is at fault for why so many young people are leaving. We've gotten away from what the Bible really teaches. We've forgotten how to speak the truth in love. We no longer know what it means to sift doctrine, and rightly divide the word of truth. Basically, we've moved away from God. It is disheartening at best, horrifying at worst.

But regardless of their reasons for leaving, instead of truth-seeking and turning to God's word, they are building a new religion. I feel like it should be called the Religion of the Apostates. They call themselves Christians but they believe in the opposite of what Christ taught. He taught love, and they claim that is what they are teaching too. "We only need His love," they say. "MY Jesus never condemned anyone but Pharisees!" one said. Like they have the edge on Jesus or something. Like they aren't breathing their very breath only by His ever-lasting grace. They're right that He never condemned anyone but Pharisees, but what they're forgetting is that He also never let anyone wallow in their sins. He told people to 'go and sin no more'. He expected them to move away from their sins into the goodness of His grace.

They're explaining away basic truth, like women having a spoken role in church. They're scoffing at the Rapture. They believe in evolution. They believe that everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, should be accepted. (I'm not speaking here of loving all people. I believe that each human being is loved by God and deserving of respect and love from all of us. I'm speaking here of people who call themselves Christians but practice alternative lifestyles at the same time.) They explain away all verses on immorality to fit their needs. They align themselves with the world-view of our culture: Anything goes, whatever makes you feel good, it's who you are. They're becoming something so far from Christ-like, but still paying lip service to Him, that I don't wonder if they are the whore of Babylon.

This is not Christianity. This is not what Jesus taught, nor Paul, but they don't really believe much that Paul said. Jesus taught us to love, yes. He also teaches us to walk away from sin, to make different choices, to act differently than the world. He was a radical in His day, but I don't see Christians being radicals. I see people being too afraid to speak up with the truth. I see a placating of sinners and making them look better. I see 'loving' people so much that they're being told it's okay to stay wallowing in the muck of their sin. I see making the word of God into a lie, and bending the truth to fit whatever whim and fancy. I see churches and pastors not willing to do much other than tickle people's ears.

It is really scary to me. And angering. And baffling. But one thing I do know, is that all this is not a surprise to God. All of this is happening according to His purposes of coming back and reigning in judgement. The world is on it's way to hell in a hand-basket, but I now believe that apostate Christians are the ones holding the handle and tossing it there.

But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. Romans 6:17, 18 

Also worth reading:
Romans 16:17-19
1 Timothy 6:3-5
2 Timothy 4:3-4

I am not enough. But it's more than okay.

A friend of mine recently reminded me of this Ann Voskamp post. It was so timely for me and I thought it was worth sharing here, in case anyone struggles with guilt like I do. 

I find it utterly terrifying that I am the only Jesus my kids see right now (besides their Daddy, but he's way better at it than me) on a regular basis. The guilt of not being Christlike weighs on me so heavily at times and I just don't know how my kids will ever see Him in me. There is too much wrong with me, and although I am working on it, I mess up more often than I should. And then the guilt comes and brings me down.

Here is a quote from the blog post, but I recommend reading the whole thing:

"Your sin can’t separate you (or your child) from Christ.

Your Father is bigger than your failures, your flesh and your faults.

And your strengths can’t save you (or your child) in Christ.

Your ego, your excellence and your efforts won’t ever be big enough to be a Savior.

Your sins aren’t enough to keep your child from God and your strengths aren’t enough to get your child to God.

Your sins aren’t enough to keep you from God and your strengths aren’t enough to get you to God.

Your sins aren’t enough to destroy your life and your strengths aren’t enough to determine your life.

Your sins aren’t enough to separate you – and your strengths aren’t enough to save you.

That’s the bottom line: Your sins aren’t enough and your strengths aren’t enough. You are not enough — for this parenting gig, this marriage relationship, this homeschooling year, this work project."

And, as she points out, this also applies to all aspects of life, not just parenting.

Be encouraged.

This and that.

Okay, jumping on the meme bandwagon. (Are they still called memes?) 

Anticipating - It's getting to be a cliche and I hear at least one person say it everyday but, honestly: Spring. Seriously. It's been a long, long winter. I stepped outside the other day and I smelled the first fresh hint of spring air. The moment didn't last of course, but oh it made me wish for spring! It's going to be beautiful around here, our first spring in the country! There were six robins in our yard this morning and I just can't wait for everything to start turning green again! 

Learning - How to teach my kids. It's not always easy, but I'm trying! Also, I feel like I'm learning right alongside them. Remembering things I learned in school, or learning things I never really knew. It's fun!

Listening to - The wind whistling around the corners of the house. It's a windy night and it's always especially windy here because of where we're situated. On a hill, with hills also in the distance, it seems like we're right smack in the middle of a wind tunnel. But it's okay. I love hearing it. 

Wearing - Comfy jammies right now. Best moment of the day is when the kids go to bed - not that I'm trying to get rid of them ;) - and I put on my own pajamas. 

Plotting - I'm not much of a dreamer and don't often have plans and ideas rolling around in my head. So for me, plotting to make a cup of tea is about all I can handle right now at the end of this long day. Sounds good though, doesn't it? 

And here is something else I've been listening to... Found this new-to-me artist the other day, promptly bought her new album and have listened to it on repeat ever since. This is my favourite and is one of the most beautiful songs that I've heard in a long time!!

Called to love.

I think born-again Christians can all agree that we are saved by grace alone. That none of us are going to heaven because of something special that we've done. I'm pretty sure that across the board, we'd all agree that the only thing ensuring our place in heaven is Jesus' blood.

So if we all agree that we've gotten saved by grace alone, why are we looking at others to see if what they 'do' fits our standard of godliness?

Why are women looking at others to see how they're planning/not planning their families?

Why are we looking at women to see how they're dressing/not dressing?

Why are we judging each others' choices to homeschool/public school?

Why are kids being taught to look at others as their measuring stick, or worse, looking to see if others measure up?

Why do we care what other people do?

I think it's our human tendency to not want to deal with the gross stuff in our own lives, but rather start picking at other people. And we all have junk in our lives, even the ones who pretend not to.
It's a way for us to feel superior. It makes us feel better about ourselves to think that we have it all together while others do not. That somehow, we've arrived at a holy place and now it's our God-given duty to ensure others are just as holy. Instead of examining what's in my own heart, it's easier to point fingers and tell others how they should be examining their hearts. It's an easy way for me to ignore the stuff in my own life that needs to be judged. Because let's face it, no matter how hard I try, I am never going to get anyone else to change. Not that I have the ability to really change myself either, but at least I can take my own junk to the Lord and let Him deal with it. I can't take anyone else's to the Lord for them. So if I'm truly concerned wouldn't the answer be to pray for them rather than trying to play the part of the Holy Spirit in their life?

I agree that if there is rampant sin in one's life, his/her friends must draw alongside to help. There can be accountability. There is bearing one another's burdens. I also believe that sharing our convictions is a good thing and a way to stir up others to think as well. Sometimes though, the spirit in which these convictions are shared does not always come from a place of love, but rather a place of judgment, a holier-than-thou attitude.

Where is the grace? The love?

"By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." 
John 13:35 

This was said after Jesus washed the disciples' feet. I wonder if He expects us to wash each others' feet rather than nitpicking over the trivialities? I feel like this is where Christians have truly failed and all of us are guilty. How can we really expect anything else from our rotten, human hearts?

If grace has carried us to the foot of the cross, to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, then this same grace is surely able to carry us through being transformed into His likeness. I believe this grace can also help us love each other as He loves.

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up..." 1 Thess. 5:11

It is what it is.

This day chewed me up and spit me out. By eleven o'clock this morning I was ready for the day to be over. Between me finally getting over being sick, two boys fighting colds, and a weekend of late nights and none of us were ready to face this day.

It wasn't pretty. My new-found 'finding my strength in God' was stretched to the limits today. It is terrifying to me the hideousness that lives in my own heart and what little things can make it bubble to the surface.

Some people in real life have asked me how homeschooling is going. The answer is so complicated and I'm never quite sure what to say. It's complicated, yes, but also quite simple at the same time. Simple because I wouldn't trade our homeschooling life for what we had before while doing public school. The over-reaching answer is that homeschooling is going great. I am still fully convinced that we're right where we're supposed to be. But life is never that easy and I don't like pat, happy answers.

Because the pat, happy answers don't explain how very convoluted and difficult our homeschooling mornings can be. Honestly, if anyone had a window into my life, they would think I was forty shades of crazy for signing up for this lifestyle.

My kids don't behave most days. I am a very non-creative person, and therefore do not really know how to make the work fun. Most of the time it's just getting through the work that needs to be done and not one thing more. I cajole, beg, bribe, threaten, cry, scream, jump off a bridge... just kidding. Well, only on the last one. :) My boys don't understand why work needs to be done. They feel like school is a waste of their precious time.

But. I fully believe that the Lord brought us here, and He has faithfully provided the grace that we all need each and every day.

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.

Psalm 139:3-6