Eight years.

To my Jacob boy. 

Wow you are eight, and Mommy cannot believe it! 

I have absolutely loved seeing your personality emerge over the last few years. 

You are most like your daddy; always a joke, a smile, and ready to make someone laugh. 

Your cheery attitude and peaceful soul are so needed in this family and I'm so glad you're you! Happiest of birthdays, big boy!! We love you so much!

Jacob at about eight months. Always the smiley one.

Still smiling at almost eight years old.

Heaviness.

I have not been here in a great long while. Not sure why. It could be because I don't have access to our desktop computer very often or because I broke my laptop (long story). Maybe I have not been feeling inspired. I am not sure. But because I am writer at heart, when something is eating away at me, it must come out. I must write it down or it does not go away.

Tonight, my heart and mind are heavy with the news of Brittany Maynard's death. You've probably already heard her story many times over, so I will not get into it here. (But follow this link if you haven't heard.)

Nothing in me can fathom the utter tragedy of this girl's life and death. Nothing in a long time has affected me quite this much. I think it is because there was no easy answer, maybe? The fact that she chose to end her life, while tragic in and of itself, is not the whole story. If she'd chosen to die naturally, she would have died a horrific death. Don't get me wrong, I am not condoning her choice at all. Everything within me rebels against the fact that she committed suicide. What I do find hard to wrap my mind around is that I have not walked in her shoes and therefore faced a horrendous diagnosis. I haven't been there, and I haven't been there without God. She was staring a horror in the face and she did not have God at her side. This is what makes me weep.

Brittany grew up in a culture, as most of us in first world countries have, where life is expendable. If a fetus has a defect, you get rid of it. Euthanasia is not far from our minds. We came from monkeys after all and have been taught that we are no better than animals. We are worthless pieces of dust that mean nothing. This is what our culture has embraced, although not in such blunt terms. It is all disguised under pretty terms like 'abortion' and 'evolution'. In Tim Keller's book "Walking With God Through Pain and Suffering" he talks about how our culture is the worst culture for dealing with hardship and suffering. We are told that suffering means nothing and therefore must be erased. The general consensus is that I must be happy at all times, and whatever/whoever does not make me so, then they can take a hike. He points out that Christianity is the only viewpoint that holds that not only should suffering be endured (think Jesus on the cross) but that there is great reward in it (think Jesus in heaven). It is the only religion that offers hope in the midst of pain, hope of heaven and eternal life.

Brittany didn't know this. As far as I know, she did not believe in God. And I cry for her. I'm sure her family loved her, and told her so. But did she know that she was loved? That she had a worth far above anything she could have imagined? That her pain and suffering would not have gone unnoticed by a God who watched His Son die on a terrible cross? I don't know if anyone ever told her this or if she would have listened had they done so.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this necessarily. It's more a stream-of-consciousness thought process of what I've been thinking. I just wonder where it will all end. If Brittany chose to kill herself because of her suffering (and the culture at large applauds her choice) where will it end?? This is why God can be the only author of life. When He chooses, and the choice is removed from our hands, there are no widening lines. There are no what ifs. There's no wondering if this person is suffering too much, or this baby has too many defects. We are not capable of deciding something so vastly eternal. Our minds are far too finite to grasp what it is that we're playing at.

I honestly have not decided whether Brittany was 'courageous' or 'cowardly'. Everything within me weeps for this girl. For the choice she felt she had to make and the horrific disease that would have claimed her anyway. There is nothing not tragic about this story.

Right now I am leaving her in the hands of an all-knowing, loving God. And I am so, so thankful that He knows and He loves.

A good, bad week.

Summer is over, but what a lovely summer it was! Anyone who knows me, knows that summer and I do not get along. But this summer was the first summer I have truly enjoyed since I was a kid. Normally I am gunning for it to be over already; this year I was sad to see it go and could have used another two weeks to relax. I wonder if it's because it was our first summer of being homeschoolers. Just the idea that we could all sleep in, get up at our leisure, and not have to pull out the books, made summer seem like dream-land.

Anyway, now we've started up homeschooling again. Fun summer aside, it was nice to get back to a routine and dive into some new books. Plus I am teaching someone to read for the very first time in my life and how exciting (overwhelming) is that?!

Our first week of school was good, but we've been facing some country-life obstacles, which kind of cast a dark shadow over our week. On Monday, we realized that our water pressure was getting weak. And then the water altogether disappeared. On Tuesday, the plumber came and diagnosed the problem: a broken water pressure tank. On Wednesday, he ordered a new tank from the big city (AKA Halifax). On Thursday, he came and replaced it.... BUT come to find out, not only did our pressure tank need replacing, but we actually have no water left in our well. For a city girl like me, who has always had on-demand water, this was a shock. So all week, when we had no water and thought it was our pressure tank, I held out hope for when it was fixed and I could finally tackle those mountains of laundry and dishes. Finding out that there's actually no water was crushing. I didn't know the summer had been that dry. I was really, really low last night.

You can tell me that it's a first-world problem and I will agree with you. You can tell me that I am a complainer and I should just rally and do what needs to be done (ie. dragging water up from the creek, boiling it, and washing dishes in it). You can tell me I need to be supportive of my stressed husband and not harping and whining. I will agree with all of that. But it was so hard to rally, to not complain and whine. I am a girl who leads a simple, quiet life. Anything out of the ordinary rocks my boat. Sometimes even tips it over. I'm ashamed of that, but there it is.

So all of that to say: it has been a good/bad week. Good to get back to the groove, bad because I realize that my attitude still needs so much changing. Just when you think you've gotten a handle on some things, you realize you really haven't made much progress at all.

I will leave you with these first-day-of-school pictures.

Baby girl turns FIVE!

Wow, Amelia girl, I cannot believe you are FIVE today!! 

I never was one to dream of having a girl, in fact I was pretty sure you were another boy while you were in my belly. But I don't think I ever could have dreamed how amazing my little girl would be! You fill our hearts and lives with so much joy. Your gentle girliness, your kind heart and love of beauty have taught me so much. It might sound selfish, but you understand me in a way the boys don't. I see you noticing me and my moods, picking up on nuances that the guys in our home don't see. This challenges me to behave in a way I want you to emulate, but also it comforts me to think of us as friends. 

I could go on and on, but I just want to say I just really love you! I'm so glad you were born into our family and that you're you! Happy birthday, special girl!

Uncertainty.

The last three weeks have been some of the scariest of my life. It started with some numbness that I'd been having, then a trip to the doctor, and now some tests looming in my future. I don't really want to talk about all of that; my doctor is not too concerned but it's always better to be on the safe side. What I do want to talk about is how I've been feeling mentally and emotionally.

If there's one thing I've realized, it's that life can change in an instant. One day you're fine; the next you're having odd symptoms. Life is uncertain, but somehow when things are going well, it's easy to forget how very fragile we all are. My nature is such that when anything out of the ordinary happens, I feel terrified. The future looms so dark and ominous and nothing feels right or certain. I think health issues are among the scariest things in life, because it's so beyond our control. That feeling of not being in control is not a nice one. 

But the thing is, even when life is going well, it's not going well because I'm in control. It's going well because God has seen fit to bless me with a season of relative calm. It's not because I'm holding tightly to the reins of safety and health and happiness. Rather, these things are all gifts and they can all be taken away at any given moment. 

I started off these three weeks feeling dread like I've never felt before. I've wept. I've lost weight (not a bad thing, haha!) and I've prayed. Long and hard. Lest you think I've gained such insight in a brief three week period, let me tell you that these last weeks have never felt so long. It feels like half a year has passed since the end of May. I have battled in my heart so endlessly that I am tired of it. But here is what I've learned:

1. God is still God. In still being God, this means He still loves me, He still knows the future, and He knows the number of my days. Whatever path I have walk down, He knows it already.

2. I am not promised tomorrow. None of us are. I am given today as a precious gift and it is up to me to be thankful and enjoy it. 

3. God's strength is more than sufficient for today, just like He promised. (Imagine that.) 

4. When I wake up in the morning, I am breathing, walking, and able to care for my family, and I praise Him for that. All of those things are blessings from His hand, and I would do well to thank Him. No sense wasting a perfectly good day of His grace, with fretting and worrying about an unknown future.

5. His joy and peace are still there for the taking, even when I feel scared. When I rest in the fact that He loves me and has my best in mind, I have no need to fear. Whatever health issues await me in the future, I know He will be there. 

When life feels uncertain, it makes you appreciate the blessings all the more. In the past, I have (shamefully) uttered the words, "I hate my life!" in moments of frustration. I can tell you right now, I will never say that again. I love my life. My husband and kids have never felt more precious to me. I love my beautiful home and our new property in the country. I am so deeply thankful for all these amazing gifts I've been given. And today, while I still have it, I am choosing to drink in the joy that is still there. He is still here and has never, will never, let me go.

Nine.

Dear Nicholas,

This past week at the grocery store, you helped me load the groceries into the trunk and took the cart back to the cart corral. All without me having to ask you, you just did it. You are becoming such a dependable boy. It makes me want to cry to think of how mature you're becoming and yet I am so proud of you!

All those tantrums you threw, all the tears Mommy shed for you... I just cannot believe that we are here, on the brink of you being a teenager. I know that we still have such a long road ahead of us, and I know that many more of our tears will fall. It won't be easy, but right now? Right now I can see what kind of man you will be. And I know that with God's help you are going to be just fine.

The person that made up the phrase "the days are long but the years are short" was so right. There used to be days when I honestly did not think we'd make it 5:00 that evening. But we did. And here we are.

So as you start out on your tenth year of life, know that Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you. Never forget that Jesus loves you. No matter what the next eight - nine years brings us, no matter where you go in life, remember that you can rest in His love. After all, He's brought us this far.

Love you, baby boy. Happy ninth birthday.

940.

In less than two weeks, my biggest boy will be turning nine. NINE. The other day I read somewhere that we have 940 Saturdays with our kids from the time they are born to the time they leave home at eighteen. Nine-hundred-forty. That means I am halfway through those Saturdays and have a mere 470 left. Can somebody please stop time?

I cannot believe I am starting the second half of parenting him. I know I will always be his mom, but once he turns eighteen, he no longer needs to listen to me. The shaping, nurturing, molding will be done. Have I done a good enough job? Will I do a good enough job?

It's such a tremendously overwhelming challenge to bring up a child. How on earth is one set of failing parents expected to raise, teach, train and impart wisdom to a child who is impressionable, and comes with no manual?

I know that I have failed and floundered so very much in the last nine years. I don't know if I did anything right. I can see progress and glimpses of maturity, but I honestly think that's more about who he is as a person than how I've been as a mom. If I could go back in time, would I yell less? Would I have more patience? Would I freak out over messes and poopy pants? I'd like to say I'd be calmer but I really don't know. I just know that those days never felt like they'd end.

And now here I am. On the brink of nine more years to teach my boy. Can it really only be nine more years? I know from experience that they are going to fly by. So I feel renewed courage and strength to cherish each day with him. To drink in his utter preciousness. To guide and counsel, extend grace and mercy. To yell less and listen more.

I love you, baby boy.

When you love someone, you'll sacrifice

You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice

You'd risk it all, no matter what may come

When you love someone

- Bryan Adams