Letting go.

I've finally learned the secret to stop yelling at my kids and it's this: There is no secret.

It's something I always knew of course. The Bible is full of verses like "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and lots of other ones about His strength being made perfect in weakness, etc. For some reason though, I still tried on my own.

I tried reining my own anger in.

I found my trigger points.

I talked myself through many a frustrating moment.

I kept myself accountable to someone.

I determined each day that I would not yell.

None of it worked. Are you surprised? If you look at all of the above sentences, they all start with "I". And in this, you can see that I was relying on my trying to stop yelling rather than relying on God's strength.

Somehow I always *knew* this in my head, that I was supposed to just let God do the dirty work. But there was a disconnect. A place inside of me that thought I still had to do something to make myself better.

Well, I am here to tell you that I am living proof that trying to better oneself will most assuredly not work.

The Lord is so very gracious. Through a couple of Christian ladies He finally hit home to me what He's been trying to tell me all along.

It started about a month ago, after a particularly horrible mommy moment with my kids. As they waited in the car for me, I stood in the kitchen and cried. I silently raged at God. (Yes, I did. If you tell me you never do I won't believe you.) I told Him in no uncertain terms that He had to do something to help me because I finally, finally realized that I could not do it anymore.

A little bit later I read the beginning of this blog series by a blogger whom I highly respect. She is a homeschooling mom of six and also struggles with lashing out at her kids. The point of her series on anger is to recognize in oneself the SIN of angry outbursts. But it was really her second post on the topic that really caught my eye. It's about letting Jesus change our hearts, rather than trying to modify our behaviour.

Although I really loved her posts, it still didn't fully sink in until a little bit later (last week in fact) that I was at my kids' swimming lessons and talking to another homeschool mom. She is a mom of eight and is very vibrant and vocal and did not beat around the bush about the fact that she struggles with letting her frustration pour out onto her kids. She said it wasn't until she realized that she couldn't do it that the Lord was able to start changing her.

It sounds so completely cliche but I literally had a light bulb moment. It really isn't about how hard I can try to be a better mom and to stop yelling. It is really about what God can do in my heart if I let Him.

Instead of waking up and determining not to yell that day, I get up and I say, "Lord, You change my heart. This day is yours. Give me strength." There is no more *try* in this girl. I have proven time and again over the last nearly nine years that I cannot do it. If I really want to become more like Jesus, then He has to transform me. Setting myself up with a list of rules and trying to follow them has only ever brought discouragement and tears and more frustration.

Maybe this is something you already know. But if you are wandering around like a blind person like I was, then maybe this will encourage you. 

How utterly freeing to let go and rest.

Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Slipping away.

I took a little walk down Memory Lane tonight with my kids, in the form of family pictures from a few years ago. A friend of mine started the whole thing when she tagged me in old Facebook pictures. The sight of my boys five years ago nearly made me weep. It was fun though, looking back and seeing how far we've come and knowing that we survived some hard things.

But the thing is, I never really realized before how very brief life is. When you're a child, a teenager, a thin, wrinkle-free bride and a young mom, you never think about the fact that at some point it's going to end. Life feels invincible and never-ending. One day though, you wake up as the mom of an almost nine-year-old, with two digits just around the corner and puberty not too far away. You see yourself in the mirror and you realize that wrinkles are starting to appear where before none existed. You find a stray gray hair and you see your husband's hair thinning and graying and you think, Wow. We're actually getting older. That elusive aging that people always tell you about, it's really happening.

Now, I do realize that I am only thirty-three and therefore still very young, but still. Somehow the brevity of life is hitting me more now than it ever did before. I cannot believe how fast these years of mothering have gone by. Some days I honestly never thought we'd make it but somewhere along the way, the years slipped by. And, this is why I know the next eight years are going to go by just as fast.

I am seeing the fact that I only have ten to fifteen more years left with my kids, to teach and train and live with on a daily basis. Then I will have to let them go and let them fly. I see this and it terrifies me. This life, this moment, will end.

Tonight I said to my husband that I wish I could go back, back to the two little blonde boys who caused me to feel so tired and worn out. I wish I could go back and hold them and tell them I'm sorry for all the times I yelled and did it wrong. I just wish that I had known then what I know now. I wish I had done it better. My husband, wisely, brought the boys to me and said, Here they are. Tell them now. Hug them now.

All I have is today. No more yesterday. Tomorrow is not here yet. Today is my chance to get it right. Today is the day that I have to pull them close and tell them I love them. To choose not to yell but to speak with patience in my voice. And by the grace of God, maybe I will start to get it right.

Taking heart.

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world. John 16:33

One really wonderful thing about Jesus is that He never brushes over things lightly. He never really makes things look better than they actually are. You know the kind of beating around the bush stuff we are prone to, the little white lies we tell ourselves and others to make everyone feel good. Rather than Him saying, "You know, it's possible trouble could come your way," or "You might have some trouble," He just states the bare fact: You WILL have trouble in this world. And because Jesus is God, and God can't lie, we had better take Him at His word. As long as we live on this broken planet, we WILL have trouble.

This trouble comes in so many forms and is different for everyone. A broken marriage, a sick parent, a spouse or child who dies too soon. An unfaithful spouse, a wayward son or daughter, financial woes. The list could go on endlessly. There is not one person alive who is not touched by some sort of tribulation or trial. It is inevitable. Even the inward stuff, like the ongoing battle with sin in our lives and our own failings and messes wreak havoc on us. There is just no escaping it. The older I get, the more I see it.

Thankfully, Jesus is also a big fan of the word "but". And if it was not for that one little word, we could all just go crawl in a hole right now. "But take heart," He says. "I have overcome the world." He is not afraid to tell us that we are going to face trouble, because He knows that He's taking care of it all. It is all in His hands. Not only is it in His hands, but He's overcome it. Anything we face, He's faced the pain of it already, and far more excruciatingly than we ever will. This is why He can tell us to take heart. He went through the pit of hell and is now joyfully in heaven.

Without this hope that world has been overcome, the hope of heaven on the horizon, I do not believe I would be able to get up each morning.

Songs.

I've had some new songs on my playlist for the last little while and thought I would share. I am not a music buff by any stretch of the imagination. I could not tell you who is in the top ten of anything. I'm mostly into Contemporary Christian Music, but I only pick songs that I love listening to over and over. I rarely buy a whole album of any artist. 

Here are a few that I've been enjoying:

Glorious Day by Casting Crowns

This song is a modern take on an old, well-loved hymn. And I love it. 

Broken Together also by Casting Crowns

This is a song about marriage. It talks about the difficulty that a long-term relationship can be and is hauntingly beautiful.

Overcomer by Mandisa

This is a peppy, get-me-through-the-day kind of song. The one I turn on when I need motivation to sweep or do dishes. It's a perfect mom-song. Love it.

Amazing Grace by Il Divo
This is not CCM obviously and I'm not even really that into Il Divo, but their rendition of one of my faves is well worth the listen!

I feel like a regular pioneer.

Before we moved, last fall when our townhouse first went on the market, one of our kids really struggled with the thought of leaving the place he'd always called home. One night, when the feeling was new, we cried together in his bedroom. Rather, I blubbered and he tried to act brave. :) I tried to explain to him that what we would be leaving behind were just four walls. The important things, we'd be taking those with us. And even more than things, the people that make our home would be going too. Still, it's hard to imagine until it actually happens... The unknown is always scary. 

Here we are, more than four months later, and I can honestly say, this place is starting to feel like home. Truly, four walls are just four walls. The essence of our home is the people in it. And for that, I am extraordinarily thankful.

How quickly the weather changes where we live!

This is our basement rec room where we officially do school...

And the dining room is where we most often end up during the day...

And this is where Mommy goes when she needs a break...

We're starting to feel settled and like we've always been here.

Helpful books.

The other day I was discussing parenting with my sister and I told her to take all her parenting books and have a bonfire. Then, I told her to never pick up another one unless I've recommended it because I know from hard-won experience which ones are helpful, inspiring and edifying. So, I thought I would compile a list of the books that were pivotal in shaping how I parent, or more accurately, how I view parenting. When I first became a mom, I thought there was a formula to follow that would spit out perfectly behaved children. Three children later (including a very, very strong-willed one) and I am no longer under any illusions. I've come to discover that all you can do is 1. love your child with your whole self and 2. keep pointing them to Christ, while storming the gates of heaven for them. Really. That's it. Training and discipline have their place for sure. But I've found that in the world, and specifically in Christian circles, methods of parenting are almost held up as idols. It's really truly disheartening and for a new mom, downright depressing. If I've come to discover anything, it's that there is no one-size-fits all way to do things for every family. The way we raise our kids will be as different and unique as we are. It's about finding what works for your own family.

So, what do these books in my list have in common? Well, first of all none of them claim to have found God's only holy way of parenting. Second, they inspire and encourage and point a parent in the only direction that is helpful - towards God - and not to some elusive method.

In no particular order:

Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson
- I am just reading this book for the first time now, and how I heartily wish I'd had it eight years ago when I was just starting out!! It's message would have been music to my ears.

One Thing: Top Tip (from a mom of six) by Jess Connell
- This one is specifically geared to new moms and I found it to be super helpful, even though I read it as a more seasoned mom. But the one tip she gives is truly the one tip you need.

Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas
- This book focused on how parenting changes the parent and resonated so much with me. I've felt for so long that God is doing so much to change me through my kids and I just felt the author nailed it.

Hope for the Weary Mom: Where God Meets You in Your Mess by Stacey Thacker and Brooke McGlothlin
- I cried buckets when I read this book. It came at such a timely place in my journey and was probably the beginning of the road I started to take in my approach to parenting a year or two ago.

Am I Messing Up My Kids? by Lysa TerKeurst
- This book is in the style of a Bible study, with questions and Bible passages to read at the end of every chapter. It was just what my bruised heart needed to start healing from some past regrets.

Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way by Gary Chapman
- This book is not necessarily geared to parenting, but it talks about how to manage one's own anger (as a parent) and there is a chapter on helping children deal with anger. As someone who struggles with anger and with a child who has this issue as well, I found this book super helpful.

These are the books I can think of off the top of my head. I will keep adding to it as I think of more.

What will I do with today?

Today I babysat a two-year-old and it's amazing to me that I have utterly forgotten what it's like to have a toddler. There is a special kind of tired that comes with having a child that young in the house. When I was in that stage a few years ago with my kids, I remember that it seemed like the days would never end. And then eventually, the years pass and now here I am with school-age children and life feels easier. It isn't that we don't ever have problems and I am certainly tired still, but it's different. Easier. I don't have to have that constant piece of myself tuned into 'what is the toddler doing now' mode.

I reminisced a lot today with myself, thinking back to those brief years that seemed so long at the time. When I think about it, there is a lot of regret in my heart. Some things and situations just felt so tough and I handled them so badly. Looking back though, I wonder how much of it was just my expectations that made everything seem so hard. For example, I expected my two year old to behave like the boys I knew who were four years older than he was. Automatic fail. I was too hard on him and when I think about it now, it breaks my heart. I fear so deeply that the issues we face today are a direct result of how high my expectations for him were. I wish so much that I could have just let him be who he was.

This seriously haunts me. Recently I read a book by Lysa TerKeurst called, 'Am I Messing Up My Kids?' The Lord used it to start healing my heart, as she reminded me that God's grace covers it all, even the horrible mom moments. She spoke a lot of Psalm 103 and as I read the Psalm over and over again, I clung to it. I still do. Guilt is so paralysing but I do not have to hold onto it. I can let it go and remember that God has it covered. All of it will be worked out for my good, and my kids'. I can learn from it and keep it at the forefront, not to berate myself, but to help me be a better mom now. I cannot have yesterday back but I have today. God is taking care of all my yesterdays, tomorrows, and He is with me today too.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass; he flourishes like a flower of the field; for the wind passes over it, and it is gone, and its place knows it no more. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children's children... Psalm 103:11-17