Added benefits.

For me to be homeschooling is a huge leap of faith. I have zero patience, am not a teacher, and I am not even what you'd call a 'kid' person. (Although I love my babies dearly!!) So choosing to educate my kids at home is a decision that 1. has not been made lightly and 2. only happened because we strongly felt it was the Lord's will for us right now.

I had never really thought through the reasons why we wanted to homeschool, except that I knew instinctively it's what I wanted to do if that's where God led us. Even now, when people ask us why we're doing it, I cannot pinpoint one big reason that led us here. It's more a culmination of several different factors, all coming together to form a whole. For example, from our days of public school and me volunteering in the classrooms, I could clearly see how the educational system is geared for girls. I saw how bored my boys were, and how because they are academically able, often got ignored so that the teacher could help the struggling children and move them along. My kids' had amazing teachers who did their best to give equal attention to all their students, but honestly? It isn't humanly possible for one teacher to accommodate 25+ children. She is only one soul and has a limited time frame, budget and resources.  Now, I am not one to single my kids out and say they are better than other kids, or that they need special treatment, not by a long shot. I would never have taken them out of school for this reason alone. BUT combine this factor with a) one of my sons being easily influenced by his peers and b) the curriculum becoming increasingly ungodly and pushing things we are not comfortable with.... and several more which would be too long to elaborate on here, but you get the point. And so, we made that step of faith.

I feel like God's grace is so big. I love how He opens the right doors, and continues to confirm His will as I move along. Although sometimes our days are crazy or discouraging, I have been enveloped with peace. I wake up with my conviction in place and that is what gets me through the daily grind. I have also come across some added benefits that I never really thought of before I homeschooled. These are:

1. Not having to be out the door at a certain time every day, which always turned into me screaming at the kids to hurry up! We're going to be late! Between dragging them out of bed, trying to get them to brush teeth, get dressed, eat, and all of that, there were many days that I came home after dropping them off and just sat and cried. I was turning into someone I didn't know any more. Anyway, I've found that now we can go at our own pace and if a child is particularly tired, they can sleep in if they need to catch up and it is not as big a deal. I still like to get our day under way fairly quickly, but there isn't that pressure to be in time for the bell. Disclaimer: This doesn't mean that I never yell at my kids!! I still do, and am still working on it, and probably will be until the day God calls me home. But at least there is one major trigger point gone that I no longer have to deal with.

2. Having our own schedule. This is huge and probably the benefit I love the most. It kind of ties in with number one, but it also means that usually our afternoons are free. It means that we can eat breakfast and lunch when we want to. It means we can go on our own field trips, visit friends, do groceries when we need to and not what is dictated by the school arrival and dismissal times.

3. Being home more which translates into spending less money. For one, it is less gas I am using up. Amelia and I used to drop the boys off in the morning and we'd be free as birds... free to go get breakfast out together, to go see what was on sale at Walmart, or to troll the mall. It meant that I spent more, not only on gas, but on extra eating out, and random items that I didn't really need, but bought because I was there and saw it. It means that we eat pretty well all breakfasts and lunches at home and most suppers too, since our days are less frantic and I am here to prepare things ahead if we're going to be busy in the afternoons.

4. My boys talk to me more. I used to question them at the end of a school day to see how their days went but they were either too tired, or too cranky so I never heard much. Plus I found at the end of the day all they wanted to do was play with their toys (understandable) but I never really felt like we talked much. Now, we're together so much that we talk all the time. They've been asking questions they may never have asked had they been in school. Like, what is heaven like? We had a long conversation one day about the beauty of heaven and the streets of gold, which would not have happened had they not been here. I notice that one of my boys, who is not demonstrative, has taken to curling up beside me on the couch and leaning on my arm to talk. This might be normal for other families, but it never was for us. Or it used to be before they started school and started to grow away from me. I feel like I am getting to know them again on a whole other level that I missed out on when they were in school. Last week, my oldest boy said, "Mommy, when are we going to go out, just me and you?" Never has he ever said anything like that before. I feel like my kids need me in this way. Other families are probably able to have this kind of relationship with their kids even while they go to public school, but I feel like for my particular children, we need to be together all day, everyday for a true relationship and bond to grow.

These are only a few. I know there are more so maybe I will do another post as they come to mind.

I know some of my friends who public school read my blog and I don't want you guys to think that I am bashing public school because I'm truly not. I realize some families choose public school (We did! For three years!) and the Lord will give special grace to you and your kids just as He did and does for me and mine. Just a little disclaimer from me :)

Over my head.

I know this is being taken out of context, but this pretty much sums up how I feel after three weeks of homeschooling:

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed..."  1 Corinthians 4:7-9

Seriously. If I thought that homeschooling would be a few wrinkles to iron out and then it'd all be good, I certainly have another think coming. I'm realizing it's a lifestyle. A choice. A hard choice, but a huge commitment, that if stuck to will reap amazing benefits. However, the daily grind hurts. If there were behaviour problems in our kids, they are only magnified by 100 degrees now. If there is anything I need to work on in my own heart, it is hitting me upside the head with a sledge hammer forty times a day.

It's kind of like when you first get married. You know how it is. You meet the "love of your life" and think that together you will conquer the world. Then you are married for a few months (or days) and realize, sheesh, where are the roses? I didn't sign up for having to lay my life down for another human being! And then slowly, over time, you realize that if you make the right choices, and put the other person first, that you are conquering the world together. You just didn't realize that there'd be so much dirt to scrub away before you could see the beauty.

And it's kind of like with parenting in general. You are blissfully happy to be pregnant, and although the first part of the newborn stage is overwhelming, it doesn't take long before you think, "I've got this." And then the terrible twos come and then you have a toddler and a newborn and you realize that maybe, just maybe you're in over your head. But you plug away, because 1) what else do you do? and 2) you love those babies with every fibre of your being.

So now that I'm three weeks into homeschooling, I'm realizing that although my convictions remain firm, and I believe this is where we are supposed to be, the daily grind of it stinks. Not totally of course. There are fun moments, like when your son tries to make a model of the earth's layers out of playdoh and ends up with a flat piece of colours that resembles Australia and Tasmania. There is also a huge sense of accomplishment when the day is finally over, to realize that you did get through all those lessons together. So there are good moments in the mess.

I guess I just have to glean from my experience of marriage and mothering that although it sometimes feels like you're being rubbed raw with sandpaper, that there is beauty to be had if you go the distance. The deeper the commitment, the harder the road, then the richer the rewards in the end.

Start over.

Starting homeschooling hasn't been without its wrinkles and although it's been super fun and rewarding so far, it's also been fraught with some discouragement and fear. My husband sent me this little poem yesterday morning, which greatly lifted my spirits, and maybe it will yours too :) I like knowing that there is always an opportunity to start fresh. There is no such thing as no more chances.

When you've trusted Jesus and walked His way, 

When you've felt His hand lead you day by day 

But your steps now take you another way, 

START OVER. 

When you've made your plans and they've gone awry, 

When you've tried your best 'til there's no more try, 

When you've failed yourself, and you don't know why, 

START OVER. 

When you've told your friends what you plan to do,

When you've trusted them but they didn't come through, 

Now you're all alone and it's up to you to 

START OVER. 

When you've failed your kids and they're grown and gone

When you've done your best but it turned out wrong, 

And now your grandchildren have come along 

START OVER. 

When you've prayed to God so you'll know His will,

When you've prayed and prayed but you don't know still, 

When you want to stop 'cause you've had your fill, 

START OVER. 

When you think you're finished and want to quit,

When you've bottomed out in life's deepest pit, 

When you've tried and tried to get out of it 

START OVER. 

When the year's been long and successes few,

When December comes and you're feeling blue, 

God gives a January just so you can 

START OVER. 

Starting over means victories won,

Starting over means a race well run, 

Starting over means the Lord's "Well done," 

So don't just sit there, 

START OVER. 

- Woodrow Kroll

The steadfast love the of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; 

they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22, 23

Meal planning a new way.

September always feels like a new beginning to me, and even with homeschooling for the first time looming in my future, it still feels like I'm starting out with a clean slate. I love that feeling. With new beginnings comes renewed purpose to make things better, improve my relationships, spend less money... and on that note, I've been thinking of how I can better manage my meal-planning.

I used to be great at making a weekly plan and sticking to it. Now I'm lucky if I can think of five meals to get us through a week and I only very loosely follow what I've planned.  I mean, it's good to at least vaguely know that there are things in the cupboard and freezer I can pull out at a moment's notice when I need to. But I think I need a little more structure now that I'm going to have so much on my plate (haha, pun!) during the daytime now.

I've been wanting to try something a little different for a long time now, and with my sense of new beginnings and renewed purpose, I'm going to attempt it this fall/winter season. It's basically just a meal plan, but knowing what genre (is that the right word?) of meal ahead of time. That was a really awkward way of explaining what will look like this:

Sunday: soup

Monday: pasta

Tuesday: meat and potatoes

Wednesday: soup

Thursday: meat and rice

Friday: something special for Lucas and I / something simple for the kids

Saturday: leftovers / pantry clean out

... and then each week (or hopefully every two weeks if I can be organized enough) I will just plug in a specific meal for whatever kind of meal belongs on that day. I think this way of doing things could either make life super easy, or be super limiting. But I'd still like to give it a go, especially as we're now a homeschooling family, I think it might make my life a little easier. One less thing to think/worry about. I'm really hoping to do groceries only every two weeks now, for lots of reasons. One, I hate grocery shopping, so it's appealing to me to be there even less than normal. Also, I hope that it will save us some money. If I can spend an hour every two weeks planning out a whole two weeks worth of meals/snacks/drinks, then I'll feel like super-woman.

Of course, whether I am able to accomplish this or not remains to be seen... stay tuned...

In which I rhapsodize about summer.

Summer wreaks havoc on my family, for a myriad of reasons, the biggest being that the lack of routine gets the better of us. I, being me, have never really been able to figure out how to schedule a routine in the summer, so I generally just let it go down the tubes. Unfortunately, this also means that by the end of the summer we are tearing out our hair with boredom and lack of discipline. I may or may not have banged my head against a wall a few times. I'll never tell if it was intentional or not. Sigh. Only a few weeks left to go...

We did manage to squeeze in some fun stuff this year in between our fits of madness. We:

Had Vacation Bible School, at which I taught a class for the first time ever and loved it. 

Spent a few days at various lakes. They call our city the "City of Lakes" for a reason!

Took a bus ride to Halifax.

My sister had her first baby!!! Super exciting and...

...we made an impromptu trip to go see her and precious baby Hayley. I also got to visit with some people that I've been wanting to visit with for a long time now. 

Still ahead, we have a few days in PEI with my family as well as 

my sister and her hubby and baby coming for a visit! 

And, in very huge news (worthy of a newsflash), we have decided to homeschool this year! It was a last minute decision, but it's been long in coming and one day I just decided, you know what? Now is as a good a time to start as any. Lots of prayer, lots of consideration, and lots of discussion went into it, but all the right doors opened as well and I feel very peaceful (although very nervous!) about it.

So you can expect some blogs about homeschooling in our very near future... 

Can you really be FOUR?

Oh my baby girl

I still can't believe I have you

You light up my life

Thank you for being here, not just to keep me from drowning in testosterone,
but just because you're you :)

Happy fourth birthday to my beautiful Amelia girl!

She tends toward goofiness sometimes :)

Dealing with anger.

Lately I've been working on my anger. More specifically, working on not yelling at my kids. Even though I know that spending time in God's word and prayer is ultimately what will give me victory over my struggle with losing my cool, there is still a lot of work to be done on a practical level. The day in, day out life of living with three young children brings out the worst in me, and while God is doing His great work in me, I don't want to spend my whole life yelling at my kids when they stress me out. And really, if I'm honest, more often than not, my yelling is not their fault at all, but some hidden angst inside of myself that comes spilling out onto them. Anyway, I've come up with a few pointers that I've learned over the last few years that are helping me in a practical way to curb the way I speak to my family.

Realize you're never going to be perfect, so extend grace to yourself. It came as almost a revelation to me, the fact that I will probably always struggle with losing my temper. In a lot of ways, this knowledge is very freeing. It gives me the motivation to keep trying to work at it, but also, it gives me the freedom to forgive myself and move on when I do mess up. My tendency is to drag my guilt around like a ball and chain, but really, how unrealistic is that? I am human, I am going to mess up and yell at my kids from time to time. It's okay. Ask for forgiveness and move on.

Get someone else on board for accountability. This has been the biggest help to me in my quest to control my anger. Knowing someone is there to hear you when you mess up, who will let you cry on their shoulder when you can't do it anymore, and who calls to check in on a regular basis to make sure you're on track, has been more valuable to me than I can even tell you. I highly recommend finding a friend who struggles in the same area and reaching out to be accountability partners.

Find out your trigger points and give yourself pep talks during those times. It really helped me to figure out what exactly it is that sets me off most of the time and when I figured that out, I was more able to gain control of myself during those times. For example, one of my trigger points is trying to get out the door in the mornings before school. Most often I am dropping my kids off to school in a heat of anger; one dark morning I did not even say goodbye to them, I was seething so deeply. *shame* So, what I try to do now is to counsel myself from the time I wake up until the time I drive them to school. I just keep up a running commentary to myself in my head, like "Laura, you know this is going to be a difficult hour. Just get through it without yelling. The kids are going to frustrate you, so remember to speak with gentleness and don't lash out at them" that kind of thing. I also pray a lot during that counselling session with myself. It does help. Not always of course, like I said I am human, but it definitely helps if I mentally prepare myself for the stress that I know is coming. This pep-talk thing only works for your trigger points. I've found that it doesn't help at all for those times of unexpected anger, when the kids do something that instantly turns my hair grey, for example. I tend toward explosion during those times and I'm still trying to come up with a way to handle my "surprise" anger. I'll let you know when I solve this little mystery...

Changing my attitude about my kids from the inside so it affects the outside. The biggest thing by far for me has been changing how I feel about my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but I sometimes struggle with seeing them as the blessing they are. When drinks keep getting spilled, one kid keeps back-talking and I'm also simultaneously somehow wiping two bottoms at one time, it can get dark very quickly. Life is messy, especially with kids. Embracing the messy parts, while difficult, has been essential to my growth as a mom. Seeing my kids through God's eyes, I can see that they are precious treasures with fragile souls. Through His eyes, I can see how much they need to be loved and how much more He loves them than I do. There has been a major shift in my attitude the last few months in how I view my kids and I honestly believe that this is the one thing that will most help me gain victory over my yelling. When I tell myself that they are a gift, not a burden, it is easier to see the good in the difficulty of our day. I try to pray for them as gifts, rather than just asking for survival to get through the day. (Although I still do that too.) When I change my perspective on who these little beings are, my inward attitude towards them starts to change too, and whatever is inside my heart is what will come out. I just want them to always sense my love, rather than my frustration.

Just thought I would share what I've been learning :)