Over my head.

I know this is being taken out of context, but this pretty much sums up how I feel after three weeks of homeschooling:

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed..."  1 Corinthians 4:7-9

Seriously. If I thought that homeschooling would be a few wrinkles to iron out and then it'd all be good, I certainly have another think coming. I'm realizing it's a lifestyle. A choice. A hard choice, but a huge commitment, that if stuck to will reap amazing benefits. However, the daily grind hurts. If there were behaviour problems in our kids, they are only magnified by 100 degrees now. If there is anything I need to work on in my own heart, it is hitting me upside the head with a sledge hammer forty times a day.

It's kind of like when you first get married. You know how it is. You meet the "love of your life" and think that together you will conquer the world. Then you are married for a few months (or days) and realize, sheesh, where are the roses? I didn't sign up for having to lay my life down for another human being! And then slowly, over time, you realize that if you make the right choices, and put the other person first, that you are conquering the world together. You just didn't realize that there'd be so much dirt to scrub away before you could see the beauty.

And it's kind of like with parenting in general. You are blissfully happy to be pregnant, and although the first part of the newborn stage is overwhelming, it doesn't take long before you think, "I've got this." And then the terrible twos come and then you have a toddler and a newborn and you realize that maybe, just maybe you're in over your head. But you plug away, because 1) what else do you do? and 2) you love those babies with every fibre of your being.

So now that I'm three weeks into homeschooling, I'm realizing that although my convictions remain firm, and I believe this is where we are supposed to be, the daily grind of it stinks. Not totally of course. There are fun moments, like when your son tries to make a model of the earth's layers out of playdoh and ends up with a flat piece of colours that resembles Australia and Tasmania. There is also a huge sense of accomplishment when the day is finally over, to realize that you did get through all those lessons together. So there are good moments in the mess.

I guess I just have to glean from my experience of marriage and mothering that although it sometimes feels like you're being rubbed raw with sandpaper, that there is beauty to be had if you go the distance. The deeper the commitment, the harder the road, then the richer the rewards in the end.