Parenting. Again.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the verse:

"Train up a child in the way he should go

and when he is old he will not depart from it." 

- Proverbs 22:6

Sometimes I feel that parenting is like a boat, and all the other parents are safely on it with their kids, while I frantically try to swim to catch up, with my kids barely hanging onto me. The water is cold, choppy and very uncertain and I'm pretty sure my kids and I are going to drown. Okay, maybe that sounds over dramatic, but that is honestly how I feel sometimes. I think the one thing I hate most about parenting (don't worry, there are things I love about it, too) is that there is no way of knowing. There is no way to gauge if my yelling is going to turn them into wife beaters (oh yes, you wouldn't believe the things I worry about!), or if our chosen means of discipline is the one that is truly teaching them, or whether they are going to turn into monsters or brain surgeons. So many unanswerable questions. I just don't know. And that is what drags me down. When I see them throwing a fit, I wonder if it's because I yelled at them one too many times. When I see them hitting, I wonder if I've created someone who will never be able to control their anger. If they fight, I fear they will never love one another.

I think I am way too hard on myself. Slowly I have been coming to the realization that there are two gauges to at least somewhat know if I am doing the right thing. One is my husband. He is quick to encourage me and gently show me where I need to change. He tells me I am a good mother, and he would know. He is the only one who truly sees how I mother our kids. The other gauge is the Lord. Which brings me to the verse I quoted above. I think, if I am really praying for my kids (like really praying, not just sending up a prayer to get through this next tantrum), if I am making my best effort to tell them about God, to tell them how to be loving, to apologize to them when I do yell, then everything will be okay. I only have today anyway and tomorrow, I believe, will take care of itself. I need to seriously do my part, to honestly make an effort to show them how much I love them and correct them when they do wrong. This is it. This is all I have to do. I tend to over-complicate things and I want a result NOW. I want them to behave like adults now. But they're not. They're still babies. When I think about how patient God is with me, I should be very humbled indeed.

SO... the verse above has been speaking to me, like I said. If you really think about it, it's actually really simple. Train them. When they are old (not children), they won't depart from what you've taught. I always get hung up on the particulars, and drive myself crazy over-thinking things and then getting caught up on guilt when I do mess up. I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. But for some reason I have always expected my kids to be. It sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I think really what it boils down to is that parenting is hard work. I balk at it. I don't feel like it. It isn't easy so it's easier to just let it go. No one ever tells you just how hard it is going to be, and I wish people were more honest about it. I'd rather hear from someone, "Yes, my son throws tantrums at six years of age and this is how we deal with it", rather than, "My kids don't throw tantrums!" Sorry, I am starting to rant and that's not the point of this post!

Anyway, that is what I have been learning. I have such a long way to go, but I am trying.