Lately I've been working on my anger. More specifically, working on not yelling at my kids. Even though I know that spending time in God's word and prayer is ultimately what will give me victory over my struggle with losing my cool, there is still a lot of work to be done on a practical level. The day in, day out life of living with three young children brings out the worst in me, and while God is doing His great work in me, I don't want to spend my whole life yelling at my kids when they stress me out. And really, if I'm honest, more often than not, my yelling is not their fault at all, but some hidden angst inside of myself that comes spilling out onto them. Anyway, I've come up with a few pointers that I've learned over the last few years that are helping me in a practical way to curb the way I speak to my family.
Realize you're never going to be perfect, so extend grace to yourself. It came as almost a revelation to me, the fact that I will probably always struggle with losing my temper. In a lot of ways, this knowledge is very freeing. It gives me the motivation to keep trying to work at it, but also, it gives me the freedom to forgive myself and move on when I do mess up. My tendency is to drag my guilt around like a ball and chain, but really, how unrealistic is that? I am human, I am going to mess up and yell at my kids from time to time. It's okay. Ask for forgiveness and move on.
Get someone else on board for accountability. This has been the biggest help to me in my quest to control my anger. Knowing someone is there to hear you when you mess up, who will let you cry on their shoulder when you can't do it anymore, and who calls to check in on a regular basis to make sure you're on track, has been more valuable to me than I can even tell you. I highly recommend finding a friend who struggles in the same area and reaching out to be accountability partners.
Find out your trigger points and give yourself pep talks during those times. It really helped me to figure out what exactly it is that sets me off most of the time and when I figured that out, I was more able to gain control of myself during those times. For example, one of my trigger points is trying to get out the door in the mornings before school. Most often I am dropping my kids off to school in a heat of anger; one dark morning I did not even say goodbye to them, I was seething so deeply. *shame* So, what I try to do now is to counsel myself from the time I wake up until the time I drive them to school. I just keep up a running commentary to myself in my head, like "Laura, you know this is going to be a difficult hour. Just get through it without yelling. The kids are going to frustrate you, so remember to speak with gentleness and don't lash out at them" that kind of thing. I also pray a lot during that counselling session with myself. It does help. Not always of course, like I said I am human, but it definitely helps if I mentally prepare myself for the stress that I know is coming. This pep-talk thing only works for your trigger points. I've found that it doesn't help at all for those times of unexpected anger, when the kids do something that instantly turns my hair grey, for example. I tend toward explosion during those times and I'm still trying to come up with a way to handle my "surprise" anger. I'll let you know when I solve this little mystery...
Changing my attitude about my kids from the inside so it affects the outside. The biggest thing by far for me has been changing how I feel about my kids. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but I sometimes struggle with seeing them as the blessing they are. When drinks keep getting spilled, one kid keeps back-talking and I'm also simultaneously somehow wiping two bottoms at one time, it can get dark very quickly. Life is messy, especially with kids. Embracing the messy parts, while difficult, has been essential to my growth as a mom. Seeing my kids through God's eyes, I can see that they are precious treasures with fragile souls. Through His eyes, I can see how much they need to be loved and how much more He loves them than I do. There has been a major shift in my attitude the last few months in how I view my kids and I honestly believe that this is the one thing that will most help me gain victory over my yelling. When I tell myself that they are a gift, not a burden, it is easier to see the good in the difficulty of our day. I try to pray for them as gifts, rather than just asking for survival to get through the day. (Although I still do that too.) When I change my perspective on who these little beings are, my inward attitude towards them starts to change too, and whatever is inside my heart is what will come out. I just want them to always sense my love, rather than my frustration.
Just thought I would share what I've been learning :)
